the rest of the story.

alright. so let's sum up first, shall we?

E had gotten herself in pretty deep with Twilight and Fanfic and had become a very sexually expressive woman, much to my delight. then she became involved in blogs and Rob porn and it caused me to face my own inner demons and inadequacies. which is not fun. but always necessary if growth is going to happen.

so where were we... ah yes. so. i had just realized the depths of E's Robsession and was finding it uncomfortable so I decided to torture myself by searching out comments she had left about him. found them, was reading them and weeping. as i'm sitting there as emotionally broken and raw as i had ever been... a little box popped up.

Stoney G Pumpkin:

How's it goin'?

momentary panic punctuated by a flashing cursor. in the end i decided to engage and answered back. instead of leaving quickly, Stoney engaged and we had a good conversation. through it she validated me and made me feel as if my presence in Twitardia, which I had been questioning ever since E invited me to engage, was not only worthwhile, but also refreshing. something about our exchange that evening filled me with an amazing sense of calm, peace, healing, and renewed vigor. moments after we ended our chat my real estate agent called to say that 4 other bids had been turned in on the house we wanted and we may have a fight on our hands. "Doesn't matter," I said. "That house is OURS!" "I like the way you think!" our agent said. because when you're willing to do whatever it takes, you can accomplish anything. and i was most certainly willing to do whatever it would take to make that house ours.

I can't quite remember how the rest of the evening went. but I remember E's return the next day and how wonderful it was to be with her again felling renewed and healed and not feeling so icky any more. it was as if all of my demons had been put to rest in one moment and I was now free to not be hung up on petty shit but now free to simply love as I wish to be loved.

however there was a moment in the afternoon, which I will never forget. E was sitting there wearing her Twitarded 3/4 quarter sleeve shirt and she looked so beautiful. not just because she is beautiful, but in that moment, with her looking so beautiful and wearing that shirt I was filled with such a peaceful and wonderful sense of community and love it was almost too much to take. to have found this connection with my wife, and to feel like I had found a community of people who could take us and love us, and everything that community represented then was one of the most wonderful moments I had ever experienced. I found myself at once being so grateful not only for E and everything we had ever come through, but also for the community of bloggers that we had begun to engage together and the joy that doing so had brought into our lives. while engaged and accepted in Twitardia, something about that interchange and involvement just... helaed us.

for from that moment, we had so much fun together posting and commenting and talking about the goings on in Twitardia that it really did form a much stronger bond between us that wiped away years of baggage that couples experience and go through. i can't explain how or why that happened, but I can say that I am grateful to have had it and to have shared it with E and everyone else. my life will be forever changed in a positive way because of what transpired in a short span of time in Twitardia. and I know I'm not the only one. which is why after I had been around for a bit and saw and put together a few things from an outsider's perspective, i worte my Open Letter to JJ & STY. and of course meant every word of it. because the joy that i was experienceing, and because i was not leading a double life, i was able to freely pour out this joy that i was receiving into the world around me without fear or trepidation and it was beginning to affect the world around me in a very positive way.

things seemed fine and normal and E and I were even getting email telling us on a regular basis how glad people were that we were a part of Twitardia and how I had inspired them to do things for people and help others for no other reason than they are humans in need of help. and if we wish to live in a world where people do radical acts of love towards one another, then we need to actually be the ones to initiate that kind of activity instead of wishing things like that would happen but never engaging in them ourselves.

and for some reason, that kind of bothered people. radical acts of love, and i understand this, typically have strings attched or alterior motives behind them. becuase love is just too often not love anymore. but rather a ploy for use and abuse. but each act done and or offered by me and or E, i assure you, were genuine.

like my offer of help with a plane ticket to Forks. it was real. and you seemed excited about the thought until the rumors started circulating. i couldn't tell you where the money was coming from at the time because i just didn't know. all i knew was that i had a "burden" on my heart about it. and i know enough now, having lived long enough, that when the burdens come, they need to be explored. interestingly enough, i now sit here with enough money which came my way to be able to afford said ticket. i knew it would come around somehow. :)

the only regrets I have now, at this point, are what has happened to E. she gained so much life and joy from being a participant in Twitardia. and it has been hard to see her shunned and turned away from without so much as an explanation as to why or even a single person asking her about whatever they "heard" to see if it was indeed true. well, actually, no one has contacted any one of us to see if anything is true. of course now, that's old news, but it is still weird that people would turn on others whom they claim to love and appreciate without so much as an email or a chance to get stories straight to see if perhaps someone was either lying or misinformed or if motives were being assumed that were simply not the case. but in the end I'm sure it was easier to believe rumor and pass judgement and punish someone who did not deserve punishment of any kind than to simply ask and derive the truth. because i know you wouldn't want to find out you had been lied to. especially by someone you trusted so much. somehow it seemed easier for people to believe that we were misrepresenting ourselves. even as i was being accused of being "too real." (stupid, right?) instead, i will simply say that the people in Twitardia are not exactly who they represent themselves to be. I know I was surprised because I am always myself and wouldn't think that others weren't being themselves in full honesty. apprently that was my own naivete in not understanding the community that had "embraced" me more fully. i own that.

so there it is for those of you who wanted to know. i hope all is still well with all of you. things are going very well for us and our pod life but increasingly busy. we have begun a new blog to chronicle our experiences and how our new life has come about and how things are working and the questions we get frequently asked. interestingly enough just yesterday we were contacted by the Segment Coordinator at the Rachel Ray Show because she had found our blog and wanted to do a piece on our unique family situation! always getting thrown into the middle of things. story of my life. :) but not a bad thing.

it is what it is.

just another chapter in a long life in which people are met, friendships formed, and then life moves on. one way or another, it moves on.

if i can share anythign else, if anyone is even listening anymore, i will say this. that life is whatever you want to make it with the resources available. obstacles CAN be overcome if you are willing to dream. life can be changed in a moment if you so desire it.

so desire it. dare to dream.

much love. :)


the moment fractured

it's strange. i promised i would write this for you but as i sit down to write it all seems too strange to tell the story. or rather, to finish the story i was going to tell, in light of everything that has happened since may 19th.

so i'll finish it for you. because i felt, and i still feel, like it is a story that needs telling. but it will seem somewhat soured. sullied. you'll feel it even as you're reading it. because of what was. and what could have been.

so what i will tell you is not actually the posts that i had planned. originally this was going to be a 4 post series. you've read 2 of them. Hopeless Romantic Seeks Filthy Whore and Grab My Button. the other 2 were going to be The Moment and The Next Day. but now i'm just going to tell the story in simple form all at once. more bullet points. not the stream of consiousness that typically defined the series until now. more of a simple observer's perspective i would say. or not. i don't know. rather... 5 simple words. it is what it is.

so if that still interests you. stay tuned... you'll hear it.

hello... is there anybody IN there... just nod if you can hear me...

alright. so it was brought to my attention that i have been negligent in finishing my story and that there are some people still waiting on the edge of their seats. sorry about the delay.

moving, getting more responsibility at work, moving more, moving a store, opening a new one... it's all kept me overly busy. however, since there is still interest, i will finish my story. perhaps i will have the next installment done for you tonight. perhaps. no promises. that way your expectations stay low. which helps things work out better for me.

miss you all and hope all is well with yous.


the sexiest thing a Twitard has ever said to me

"I would totally skip Eclipse to be with you."


Grab My Button

essential music to scroll by. headphones are also a must...

It started the first time I saw this. It awoke something in me that I hadn't taken the time to realize was there. You see, I'm an artist. Through and through, balls to bones. So on one side I can look at this and say, "Wow, that's really cool. Nice graphic." (Seriously, Stone. Great work.) But on the other side, the artist in me sees something else... I see Rob completely filling the E.

It one single instant it stopped me dead in my tracks, took the breath from my lungs, and made my heart feel as if it had been doused with a gallon of ice water. Because for me, when I see the E, I don't see a letter. I see my wife. And I see another man completely consuming every nook and cranny of her inner being. Try as I might I see nothing else.

I guess up until that point I never realized the depth of it. I didn't realize just HOW consumed she was. She never let on. All at once I was overwhelmed with so many negative emotions (jealousy, sadness, rage, agony) that I just went fucking numb. It happened in a millisecond. I think that's why the extreme icy sensation inside. My heart had gone into shock at the realization. But unfortunately, my conscious mind didn't actually realize it at the time, so there was no resolution. Just the fucking numb. It took me about 3 or 4 days and multiple snarky comments and discussions later to shake that off and get back to feeling normal. But then, two days later, E showed me a draft of her guest post for Robmusement* and I felt the same thing again, only this time magnified. I honestly felt like I died inside in that moment.

I tried to not speak. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to let it show. I didn't want to be that vulnerable. The last thing I ever want is to cause E pain and I didn't want her to be upset by knowing how upset that I was. I wanted to just stand up, walk outside, smoke a cigarette, calm down a little, and go to bed. But things didn't work out that way. In fact, I was derailed about 4 seconds after I made that plan.

"Oh, great. Now you're upset." Apparently, my face showed more than I wanted it to. "I should have never shown you..."

"Never shown me?" my inside voice cried. "How could not show me this? How could you have something like this inside of you for so long and not share it with me?"

On the outside I said nothing. For a moment.

Then the arguing started. Me trying to convey my heart and grief, her trying to make rationalizations and excuses for why she was gving the best of her new-found self to another man: heart, mind, soul, and if she could, body. Neither of us making any real connection or change in the other. But, at that point, neither was willing to change. So it was wasted words and ache.

The next morning the feeling had not passed. I still had the cold void consuming my world. I started to get angry the more I thought about it. A massive rage was building inside of me. I felt like it was going to explode. The jealousy overtook me. I decided to do something reckless and stupid.

That night E had a bacherlorette party. So once I got the kids in bed, I sat down with the laptop and opened her email. I'm not proud, but that doesn't make it any less true. I didn't read the personal ones, I would never do that. I simply followed her comments on blogs. I figured that all of these things were a matter of public record and gmail simply compiled them all for me saving me a job that would literally take days. Looking on her page and others to see how she talks about Rob when I'm not around.

Yeah. It only got worse.

I reached a point after about 45 minutes of this that I just had to stop and weep. I actually begin to let myself feel what I was feeling. Suddenly the mental me flew into a rage. I ran through the living room tearing the fucker up. And I mean up. Entertainment center, TV, every piece of furiture, every piece of glass, every page in every book... I didn't stop until the room was a complete shambles. As I stood there panting, bruised, cut, and bleeding, I noticed that it wasn't enough. It didn't help. The feeling didn't go away. It was then I realized I wasn't angry. The anger was simply a defense. A cover up for what was going on. The Truth: I was insanely jealous and I felt betrayed and unloved.

The scene in my mind morphed as soon as I had this realization. Once it was uncovered I could finally see it. I could finally see the gaping wound that had been torn in my heart. In all of my years,and for all of my suffering I had endured in my life up to that point, I had never hurt more. The pain was so intense that once I embraced it and acknowledged it a strange calm overtook me. It hurt too much. I couldn't do anything else.

I closed my eyes and had a vision.

The mental me just stood there. The wound was so great there were no sobs. But there was a steady stream of tears free flowing from my eyes. I stood like that for about five minutes. Silently engulfed in the agony and feeling the constant flow of hot wetness down my cheeks. Suddenly, in my mind, E was next to me. I was so open, so wounded, so raw I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't be able to bear it. Thankfully, she didn't speak. I wouldn't have been able to bear that either. She just waited for me to speak. In order for me to do so, I had to close my eyes. I was about to be so vulnerable to her so I knew I would never make it if I did not.

"Please," I said, barely above a whisper. "Please, if you've ever loved me, if anything I have ever done for you has ever meant anything to you, please... don't speak. Not yet. I just need you to listen... I'm not angry. I just... hurt. I feel so small. I feel like a fool. All this time I just thought that you found him really attractive. Like eye candy. I never knew that you loved him. I never realized the place you have given him in your heart. And I just can't bear that thought. Not when I feel like I don't get equal intensity, time, and priority in return. I feel like you give him more of yourself than you give to me. I've been waiting for this change, this metamorphosis, for so long... and you don't even save the best for me? You go around and say these things in a public forum in front of other women who don't even know me and tell them that Rob is your... King? You call him... you call him... Master?

Who is this guy? What has he done to earn this place in your life?

Where was Rob when you were living at your Grandmother's house being verbally and emotionally abused? Did he move in to help shield you until he could get enough money together to get both of you out of there? When that asshole drug-dealer-biker threw you down the stairs and you tore your ACL, did Rob completely abandon his post at work, consequences be damned, and rush to be by your side when you needed him? Did he wait on you hand and foot after your knee got reconstructed while you were bed ridden and healing? Where was he when the nurse woke you up at 3am and told you your baby had stopped breathing in the nursery? Did he hold you as you cried and shook, torn with he agony of not being able to see your baby, and not knowing if he was still alive? Did Rob quit his job and take a much less paying one so that he could be there to help you and your son? During those times did he ever eat only ramen, or nothing, on the days when it was necessary so at the very least you and your son would never have to go hungry? When you broke down and said you couldn't go on because caring for your son was too difficult, did Rob drop everything immediately, find someone to cover his shift, find a sitter, book you a whirlpool suite, then whisk you away on a surprise weekend getaway a mere one hour after you placed the broken, vulnerable call?

I could go on, but what's the point... you see where I'm going with this. If your answer to all of these questions is that Rob was nowhere and I was always right by your side going through it with you,THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES HE GET THE BEST OF THE NEW YOU?!?! How many times? How many times have you thought of him like that? How many pictures have you looked at? How many fantasies have you had? How many times have you involuntarily licked your lips while thinking about his? And how many times do I getequal or better billing in your mind, in your heart, in your soul, and in your body? How much time, energy, and priority do you give to him while you now have begun to withhold those things from me?

I have been waiting for you to go through this metamorphosis with me the entire 14 years we have been together. I always comforted myself by saying, 'She's just not that way. I see it lurking in there, but it has never come out so I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of her. I just need to accept her for who she is, how she is.'

But now that the side of you I always saw, although dormant... Now that the girl I truly fell in love with has come out to play, she has come out to play with another man. I can't even begin to tell you how it crushes me. Because now I have to make a choice. I can either believe I'm with a woman who really isn't that interested in me, chalk it up to my own blind optimism, and just walk away. Or I can live with the pain because at least I still get to be near you.

I can't help myself. I just need to be with you. All of the painful places I have followed you through, god help me, I still choose you. I will always choose you. Being in pain near you has always been less painful than being without you. But if now I find out that all this time it wasn't you, it really was me, and you just don't want me like that..."

I was spent. I could say no more. I had gone so deep, acknowledged and felt such pain, that I couldn't do anything else. The mental me slumped to his knees and was still. At that moment I just wanted it to end. I didn't know what I could do, but I knew that I wanted this pain to end. For the first time in my life I actually got to that point. I couldn't go on like this.

It was at that precise moment that the chat box popped up on E's G-chat. OMG!!! It's one of her girls!!!! If I say something, they'll know I've been in here! If I say nothing, they might say to E, "Hey, I tried chatting you on Saturday night but you didn't respond..." Then of course the inevitable, "I wasn't home on Saturday. Why would it have said I was online?" Eventually dots would be connected. I felt like I was caught. But in all truth I wasn't really doing anything deviant, was I?

What should I do?

(to be continued...)

*author's note: here is the link to E's Robmusement post. didn't want to interrupt the flow.



hopeless romantic seeks filthy whore

I had a hoodie with that saying on it at one point. The first time I saw it I knew that I just had to have it… I saw, in that one sentence, a perfect summation of my ideal sexual identity and fantasy. It hit me like a bolt of en-lightening. So I bought it and wore it around. People loved it; it always brought out smiles. E would always good naturedly smirk and say, “Yup. I’m his whore.” Ahhh the good ol’ days.

But quite honestly something was missing. Although my true heart’s desire was emblazoned across my chest in the form of that hoodie, it did not accurately reflect reality. We did not have that kind of a union. Though actions were certainly there from time to time, it had not fully sunk in heart deep. We were slightly disjointed and disconnected, continually replaying well rehearsed routine. Kind of like this…

not music to scroll by. stop and listen.

Then one day E sat down with a book called Twilight.

It was a Tuesday I think. I didn’t really see her again until sometime Thursday evening when she closed the back cover on Breaking Dawn and looked up at me. She had this wild look in her eye, shirt wet from drool. “More…” her eyes said.

And as I soon found out, there IS more. A lot more. Soon there was mention of other tales: Midnight Sun. The Office. The Submissive. The Dominant. The List. Inked Armor & Clipped Wings. Master of the Universe... I could go on. :) I've never read them, so I couldn’t tell you what they were about. All I know is that suddenly I’m beginning to be woken out of a sound sleep at 4am with either my cock in her mouth or her kitty on my face.

I moan gently, on the outside, to let her know I’m game.

With my inside voice however:
”YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s finally happened!!!!! My filthy whore is here!!!!!!!! I’ve been waiting so long for you!!!!

You see, for me, E going through this rapid metamorphosis is like the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. Seriously. But it is not only her who has undergone change through this. I have learned much as well. About what it takes to really please a woman. Not just Physically, but Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. To really take my role as husband, lover, and friend seriously and make it the best experience for her that I can. Because when I do, it comes back to me tenfold. (any lurking fellas, write that down...)

I’ve learned the awesome power of restraint. Not diving in quickly with the “goal of orgasm” and rushing towards it like it’s some kind of race. I’ve learned how to take time to engage her and be present with her. Play with her. I’ve learned how to just slow the fuck down, enjoy one another, make it feel good, and have fun with it! Because if it feels good, and I keep it up, eventually she'll cum all over my face. And that's nice... (whispers: psst! guys! did you know that? take notes!!!) Then repeat that process again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again...

Right about this point she's going to be a spasming puddle. So if you've actually put in the hard work and effort and put off seeking your own pleasure to get to this point, Congratulations! Because any woman to whom you've just given 7 orgasms in a row will pretty much do most anything (within pre-determined limits) with you and for you that you would ask of her at that moment.

If you've never actually beat the game and made it to the end before, it's definitely worth the practice.

Am I wrong ladies?

That is how you receive your pleasure as a man. It should be a relationship of Giving/Receiving. Not the near ubiquitous imposter of Allowing/Taking. The Physical differences are subtle, but the Emotional and Spiritual ones are monumental. Allowing/Taking creates a split and allows for disconnected selfishness. Giving/Receiving creates a symbiotic circle that goes round and round and round.

E is not the only one who has had a sexual beast awoken through all of this. I mean, now that my filthy whore is finally here she gets me so goddamn fucking hard so quick that I want to do seriously nasty things to her. Even to just stand in front of her, with my nose and mouth near the base of her neck, and just breathe and take her in fucks my shit all up. I love it. I can't get enough!!!!!!! E is my Perfect Drug. (and I mean that in a completely non-Twilight, Nine Inch Nails kind of way)

I've also learned a lot about how jealous of a person I can be. And that is much more difficult to control. Yet even this provides background for positive sexual expression if we can contain it and channel it in the proper direction. Like fucking her extra hard one night just so all the next day when I'm gone at work she'll be walking just a little sideways, smiling to herself, and remembering who the real Master of her kitty is... :)

Let me just embarrass the hell out of my woman right now and proclaim in front of everyone here just how awesome E is. She is my life-vein. She is my music throughout the day. She is the haven in which I rest. She is without a doubt one of the sexiest women alive and I love her terribly.

Well, shit. Listen to me prattling on about god knows what at this point. I guess what I am saying is that women are not the only ones who have had amazingly wonderful and life changing moments the past howevermany months. My life has also been altered irrevocably in a positive way because the Twilight saga came into E's life. Which invariably lead her here to all of you and you have changed her for the better. Your impact has changed US for the better. And for that I am truly, truly grateful. Thank you for tolerating the Pantz clan in your midst. We adore you.

Glad you could take the time to sit and listen. Laters. :)

(bows and waves)

I’ll leave you with one last song that is just screaming at me, saying that it needs to live here at the end of the post.
(feel free to sing along :) )