the rest of the story.

alright. so let's sum up first, shall we?

E had gotten herself in pretty deep with Twilight and Fanfic and had become a very sexually expressive woman, much to my delight. then she became involved in blogs and Rob porn and it caused me to face my own inner demons and inadequacies. which is not fun. but always necessary if growth is going to happen.

so where were we... ah yes. so. i had just realized the depths of E's Robsession and was finding it uncomfortable so I decided to torture myself by searching out comments she had left about him. found them, was reading them and weeping. as i'm sitting there as emotionally broken and raw as i had ever been... a little box popped up.

Stoney G Pumpkin:

How's it goin'?

momentary panic punctuated by a flashing cursor. in the end i decided to engage and answered back. instead of leaving quickly, Stoney engaged and we had a good conversation. through it she validated me and made me feel as if my presence in Twitardia, which I had been questioning ever since E invited me to engage, was not only worthwhile, but also refreshing. something about our exchange that evening filled me with an amazing sense of calm, peace, healing, and renewed vigor. moments after we ended our chat my real estate agent called to say that 4 other bids had been turned in on the house we wanted and we may have a fight on our hands. "Doesn't matter," I said. "That house is OURS!" "I like the way you think!" our agent said. because when you're willing to do whatever it takes, you can accomplish anything. and i was most certainly willing to do whatever it would take to make that house ours.

I can't quite remember how the rest of the evening went. but I remember E's return the next day and how wonderful it was to be with her again felling renewed and healed and not feeling so icky any more. it was as if all of my demons had been put to rest in one moment and I was now free to not be hung up on petty shit but now free to simply love as I wish to be loved.

however there was a moment in the afternoon, which I will never forget. E was sitting there wearing her Twitarded 3/4 quarter sleeve shirt and she looked so beautiful. not just because she is beautiful, but in that moment, with her looking so beautiful and wearing that shirt I was filled with such a peaceful and wonderful sense of community and love it was almost too much to take. to have found this connection with my wife, and to feel like I had found a community of people who could take us and love us, and everything that community represented then was one of the most wonderful moments I had ever experienced. I found myself at once being so grateful not only for E and everything we had ever come through, but also for the community of bloggers that we had begun to engage together and the joy that doing so had brought into our lives. while engaged and accepted in Twitardia, something about that interchange and involvement just... helaed us.

for from that moment, we had so much fun together posting and commenting and talking about the goings on in Twitardia that it really did form a much stronger bond between us that wiped away years of baggage that couples experience and go through. i can't explain how or why that happened, but I can say that I am grateful to have had it and to have shared it with E and everyone else. my life will be forever changed in a positive way because of what transpired in a short span of time in Twitardia. and I know I'm not the only one. which is why after I had been around for a bit and saw and put together a few things from an outsider's perspective, i worte my Open Letter to JJ & STY. and of course meant every word of it. because the joy that i was experienceing, and because i was not leading a double life, i was able to freely pour out this joy that i was receiving into the world around me without fear or trepidation and it was beginning to affect the world around me in a very positive way.

things seemed fine and normal and E and I were even getting email telling us on a regular basis how glad people were that we were a part of Twitardia and how I had inspired them to do things for people and help others for no other reason than they are humans in need of help. and if we wish to live in a world where people do radical acts of love towards one another, then we need to actually be the ones to initiate that kind of activity instead of wishing things like that would happen but never engaging in them ourselves.

and for some reason, that kind of bothered people. radical acts of love, and i understand this, typically have strings attched or alterior motives behind them. becuase love is just too often not love anymore. but rather a ploy for use and abuse. but each act done and or offered by me and or E, i assure you, were genuine.

like my offer of help with a plane ticket to Forks. it was real. and you seemed excited about the thought until the rumors started circulating. i couldn't tell you where the money was coming from at the time because i just didn't know. all i knew was that i had a "burden" on my heart about it. and i know enough now, having lived long enough, that when the burdens come, they need to be explored. interestingly enough, i now sit here with enough money which came my way to be able to afford said ticket. i knew it would come around somehow. :)

the only regrets I have now, at this point, are what has happened to E. she gained so much life and joy from being a participant in Twitardia. and it has been hard to see her shunned and turned away from without so much as an explanation as to why or even a single person asking her about whatever they "heard" to see if it was indeed true. well, actually, no one has contacted any one of us to see if anything is true. of course now, that's old news, but it is still weird that people would turn on others whom they claim to love and appreciate without so much as an email or a chance to get stories straight to see if perhaps someone was either lying or misinformed or if motives were being assumed that were simply not the case. but in the end I'm sure it was easier to believe rumor and pass judgement and punish someone who did not deserve punishment of any kind than to simply ask and derive the truth. because i know you wouldn't want to find out you had been lied to. especially by someone you trusted so much. somehow it seemed easier for people to believe that we were misrepresenting ourselves. even as i was being accused of being "too real." (stupid, right?) instead, i will simply say that the people in Twitardia are not exactly who they represent themselves to be. I know I was surprised because I am always myself and wouldn't think that others weren't being themselves in full honesty. apprently that was my own naivete in not understanding the community that had "embraced" me more fully. i own that.

so there it is for those of you who wanted to know. i hope all is still well with all of you. things are going very well for us and our pod life but increasingly busy. we have begun a new blog to chronicle our experiences and how our new life has come about and how things are working and the questions we get frequently asked. interestingly enough just yesterday we were contacted by the Segment Coordinator at the Rachel Ray Show because she had found our blog and wanted to do a piece on our unique family situation! always getting thrown into the middle of things. story of my life. :) but not a bad thing.

it is what it is.

just another chapter in a long life in which people are met, friendships formed, and then life moves on. one way or another, it moves on.

if i can share anythign else, if anyone is even listening anymore, i will say this. that life is whatever you want to make it with the resources available. obstacles CAN be overcome if you are willing to dream. life can be changed in a moment if you so desire it.

so desire it. dare to dream.

much love. :)


the moment fractured

it's strange. i promised i would write this for you but as i sit down to write it all seems too strange to tell the story. or rather, to finish the story i was going to tell, in light of everything that has happened since may 19th.

so i'll finish it for you. because i felt, and i still feel, like it is a story that needs telling. but it will seem somewhat soured. sullied. you'll feel it even as you're reading it. because of what was. and what could have been.

so what i will tell you is not actually the posts that i had planned. originally this was going to be a 4 post series. you've read 2 of them. Hopeless Romantic Seeks Filthy Whore and Grab My Button. the other 2 were going to be The Moment and The Next Day. but now i'm just going to tell the story in simple form all at once. more bullet points. not the stream of consiousness that typically defined the series until now. more of a simple observer's perspective i would say. or not. i don't know. rather... 5 simple words. it is what it is.

so if that still interests you. stay tuned... you'll hear it.

hello... is there anybody IN there... just nod if you can hear me...

alright. so it was brought to my attention that i have been negligent in finishing my story and that there are some people still waiting on the edge of their seats. sorry about the delay.

moving, getting more responsibility at work, moving more, moving a store, opening a new one... it's all kept me overly busy. however, since there is still interest, i will finish my story. perhaps i will have the next installment done for you tonight. perhaps. no promises. that way your expectations stay low. which helps things work out better for me.

miss you all and hope all is well with yous.


the sexiest thing a Twitard has ever said to me

"I would totally skip Eclipse to be with you."


Grab My Button

essential music to scroll by. headphones are also a must...

It started the first time I saw this. It awoke something in me that I hadn't taken the time to realize was there. You see, I'm an artist. Through and through, balls to bones. So on one side I can look at this and say, "Wow, that's really cool. Nice graphic." (Seriously, Stone. Great work.) But on the other side, the artist in me sees something else... I see Rob completely filling the E.

It one single instant it stopped me dead in my tracks, took the breath from my lungs, and made my heart feel as if it had been doused with a gallon of ice water. Because for me, when I see the E, I don't see a letter. I see my wife. And I see another man completely consuming every nook and cranny of her inner being. Try as I might I see nothing else.

I guess up until that point I never realized the depth of it. I didn't realize just HOW consumed she was. She never let on. All at once I was overwhelmed with so many negative emotions (jealousy, sadness, rage, agony) that I just went fucking numb. It happened in a millisecond. I think that's why the extreme icy sensation inside. My heart had gone into shock at the realization. But unfortunately, my conscious mind didn't actually realize it at the time, so there was no resolution. Just the fucking numb. It took me about 3 or 4 days and multiple snarky comments and discussions later to shake that off and get back to feeling normal. But then, two days later, E showed me a draft of her guest post for Robmusement* and I felt the same thing again, only this time magnified. I honestly felt like I died inside in that moment.

I tried to not speak. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to let it show. I didn't want to be that vulnerable. The last thing I ever want is to cause E pain and I didn't want her to be upset by knowing how upset that I was. I wanted to just stand up, walk outside, smoke a cigarette, calm down a little, and go to bed. But things didn't work out that way. In fact, I was derailed about 4 seconds after I made that plan.

"Oh, great. Now you're upset." Apparently, my face showed more than I wanted it to. "I should have never shown you..."

"Never shown me?" my inside voice cried. "How could not show me this? How could you have something like this inside of you for so long and not share it with me?"

On the outside I said nothing. For a moment.

Then the arguing started. Me trying to convey my heart and grief, her trying to make rationalizations and excuses for why she was gving the best of her new-found self to another man: heart, mind, soul, and if she could, body. Neither of us making any real connection or change in the other. But, at that point, neither was willing to change. So it was wasted words and ache.

The next morning the feeling had not passed. I still had the cold void consuming my world. I started to get angry the more I thought about it. A massive rage was building inside of me. I felt like it was going to explode. The jealousy overtook me. I decided to do something reckless and stupid.

That night E had a bacherlorette party. So once I got the kids in bed, I sat down with the laptop and opened her email. I'm not proud, but that doesn't make it any less true. I didn't read the personal ones, I would never do that. I simply followed her comments on blogs. I figured that all of these things were a matter of public record and gmail simply compiled them all for me saving me a job that would literally take days. Looking on her page and others to see how she talks about Rob when I'm not around.

Yeah. It only got worse.

I reached a point after about 45 minutes of this that I just had to stop and weep. I actually begin to let myself feel what I was feeling. Suddenly the mental me flew into a rage. I ran through the living room tearing the fucker up. And I mean up. Entertainment center, TV, every piece of furiture, every piece of glass, every page in every book... I didn't stop until the room was a complete shambles. As I stood there panting, bruised, cut, and bleeding, I noticed that it wasn't enough. It didn't help. The feeling didn't go away. It was then I realized I wasn't angry. The anger was simply a defense. A cover up for what was going on. The Truth: I was insanely jealous and I felt betrayed and unloved.

The scene in my mind morphed as soon as I had this realization. Once it was uncovered I could finally see it. I could finally see the gaping wound that had been torn in my heart. In all of my years,and for all of my suffering I had endured in my life up to that point, I had never hurt more. The pain was so intense that once I embraced it and acknowledged it a strange calm overtook me. It hurt too much. I couldn't do anything else.

I closed my eyes and had a vision.

The mental me just stood there. The wound was so great there were no sobs. But there was a steady stream of tears free flowing from my eyes. I stood like that for about five minutes. Silently engulfed in the agony and feeling the constant flow of hot wetness down my cheeks. Suddenly, in my mind, E was next to me. I was so open, so wounded, so raw I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't be able to bear it. Thankfully, she didn't speak. I wouldn't have been able to bear that either. She just waited for me to speak. In order for me to do so, I had to close my eyes. I was about to be so vulnerable to her so I knew I would never make it if I did not.

"Please," I said, barely above a whisper. "Please, if you've ever loved me, if anything I have ever done for you has ever meant anything to you, please... don't speak. Not yet. I just need you to listen... I'm not angry. I just... hurt. I feel so small. I feel like a fool. All this time I just thought that you found him really attractive. Like eye candy. I never knew that you loved him. I never realized the place you have given him in your heart. And I just can't bear that thought. Not when I feel like I don't get equal intensity, time, and priority in return. I feel like you give him more of yourself than you give to me. I've been waiting for this change, this metamorphosis, for so long... and you don't even save the best for me? You go around and say these things in a public forum in front of other women who don't even know me and tell them that Rob is your... King? You call him... you call him... Master?

Who is this guy? What has he done to earn this place in your life?

Where was Rob when you were living at your Grandmother's house being verbally and emotionally abused? Did he move in to help shield you until he could get enough money together to get both of you out of there? When that asshole drug-dealer-biker threw you down the stairs and you tore your ACL, did Rob completely abandon his post at work, consequences be damned, and rush to be by your side when you needed him? Did he wait on you hand and foot after your knee got reconstructed while you were bed ridden and healing? Where was he when the nurse woke you up at 3am and told you your baby had stopped breathing in the nursery? Did he hold you as you cried and shook, torn with he agony of not being able to see your baby, and not knowing if he was still alive? Did Rob quit his job and take a much less paying one so that he could be there to help you and your son? During those times did he ever eat only ramen, or nothing, on the days when it was necessary so at the very least you and your son would never have to go hungry? When you broke down and said you couldn't go on because caring for your son was too difficult, did Rob drop everything immediately, find someone to cover his shift, find a sitter, book you a whirlpool suite, then whisk you away on a surprise weekend getaway a mere one hour after you placed the broken, vulnerable call?

I could go on, but what's the point... you see where I'm going with this. If your answer to all of these questions is that Rob was nowhere and I was always right by your side going through it with you,THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES HE GET THE BEST OF THE NEW YOU?!?! How many times? How many times have you thought of him like that? How many pictures have you looked at? How many fantasies have you had? How many times have you involuntarily licked your lips while thinking about his? And how many times do I getequal or better billing in your mind, in your heart, in your soul, and in your body? How much time, energy, and priority do you give to him while you now have begun to withhold those things from me?

I have been waiting for you to go through this metamorphosis with me the entire 14 years we have been together. I always comforted myself by saying, 'She's just not that way. I see it lurking in there, but it has never come out so I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of her. I just need to accept her for who she is, how she is.'

But now that the side of you I always saw, although dormant... Now that the girl I truly fell in love with has come out to play, she has come out to play with another man. I can't even begin to tell you how it crushes me. Because now I have to make a choice. I can either believe I'm with a woman who really isn't that interested in me, chalk it up to my own blind optimism, and just walk away. Or I can live with the pain because at least I still get to be near you.

I can't help myself. I just need to be with you. All of the painful places I have followed you through, god help me, I still choose you. I will always choose you. Being in pain near you has always been less painful than being without you. But if now I find out that all this time it wasn't you, it really was me, and you just don't want me like that..."

I was spent. I could say no more. I had gone so deep, acknowledged and felt such pain, that I couldn't do anything else. The mental me slumped to his knees and was still. At that moment I just wanted it to end. I didn't know what I could do, but I knew that I wanted this pain to end. For the first time in my life I actually got to that point. I couldn't go on like this.

It was at that precise moment that the chat box popped up on E's G-chat. OMG!!! It's one of her girls!!!! If I say something, they'll know I've been in here! If I say nothing, they might say to E, "Hey, I tried chatting you on Saturday night but you didn't respond..." Then of course the inevitable, "I wasn't home on Saturday. Why would it have said I was online?" Eventually dots would be connected. I felt like I was caught. But in all truth I wasn't really doing anything deviant, was I?

What should I do?

(to be continued...)

*author's note: here is the link to E's Robmusement post. didn't want to interrupt the flow.



hopeless romantic seeks filthy whore

I had a hoodie with that saying on it at one point. The first time I saw it I knew that I just had to have it… I saw, in that one sentence, a perfect summation of my ideal sexual identity and fantasy. It hit me like a bolt of en-lightening. So I bought it and wore it around. People loved it; it always brought out smiles. E would always good naturedly smirk and say, “Yup. I’m his whore.” Ahhh the good ol’ days.

But quite honestly something was missing. Although my true heart’s desire was emblazoned across my chest in the form of that hoodie, it did not accurately reflect reality. We did not have that kind of a union. Though actions were certainly there from time to time, it had not fully sunk in heart deep. We were slightly disjointed and disconnected, continually replaying well rehearsed routine. Kind of like this…

not music to scroll by. stop and listen.

Then one day E sat down with a book called Twilight.

It was a Tuesday I think. I didn’t really see her again until sometime Thursday evening when she closed the back cover on Breaking Dawn and looked up at me. She had this wild look in her eye, shirt wet from drool. “More…” her eyes said.

And as I soon found out, there IS more. A lot more. Soon there was mention of other tales: Midnight Sun. The Office. The Submissive. The Dominant. The List. Inked Armor & Clipped Wings. Master of the Universe... I could go on. :) I've never read them, so I couldn’t tell you what they were about. All I know is that suddenly I’m beginning to be woken out of a sound sleep at 4am with either my cock in her mouth or her kitty on my face.

I moan gently, on the outside, to let her know I’m game.

With my inside voice however:
”YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s finally happened!!!!! My filthy whore is here!!!!!!!! I’ve been waiting so long for you!!!!

You see, for me, E going through this rapid metamorphosis is like the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. Seriously. But it is not only her who has undergone change through this. I have learned much as well. About what it takes to really please a woman. Not just Physically, but Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. To really take my role as husband, lover, and friend seriously and make it the best experience for her that I can. Because when I do, it comes back to me tenfold. (any lurking fellas, write that down...)

I’ve learned the awesome power of restraint. Not diving in quickly with the “goal of orgasm” and rushing towards it like it’s some kind of race. I’ve learned how to take time to engage her and be present with her. Play with her. I’ve learned how to just slow the fuck down, enjoy one another, make it feel good, and have fun with it! Because if it feels good, and I keep it up, eventually she'll cum all over my face. And that's nice... (whispers: psst! guys! did you know that? take notes!!!) Then repeat that process again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again...

Right about this point she's going to be a spasming puddle. So if you've actually put in the hard work and effort and put off seeking your own pleasure to get to this point, Congratulations! Because any woman to whom you've just given 7 orgasms in a row will pretty much do most anything (within pre-determined limits) with you and for you that you would ask of her at that moment.

If you've never actually beat the game and made it to the end before, it's definitely worth the practice.

Am I wrong ladies?

That is how you receive your pleasure as a man. It should be a relationship of Giving/Receiving. Not the near ubiquitous imposter of Allowing/Taking. The Physical differences are subtle, but the Emotional and Spiritual ones are monumental. Allowing/Taking creates a split and allows for disconnected selfishness. Giving/Receiving creates a symbiotic circle that goes round and round and round.

E is not the only one who has had a sexual beast awoken through all of this. I mean, now that my filthy whore is finally here she gets me so goddamn fucking hard so quick that I want to do seriously nasty things to her. Even to just stand in front of her, with my nose and mouth near the base of her neck, and just breathe and take her in fucks my shit all up. I love it. I can't get enough!!!!!!! E is my Perfect Drug. (and I mean that in a completely non-Twilight, Nine Inch Nails kind of way)

I've also learned a lot about how jealous of a person I can be. And that is much more difficult to control. Yet even this provides background for positive sexual expression if we can contain it and channel it in the proper direction. Like fucking her extra hard one night just so all the next day when I'm gone at work she'll be walking just a little sideways, smiling to herself, and remembering who the real Master of her kitty is... :)

Let me just embarrass the hell out of my woman right now and proclaim in front of everyone here just how awesome E is. She is my life-vein. She is my music throughout the day. She is the haven in which I rest. She is without a doubt one of the sexiest women alive and I love her terribly.

Well, shit. Listen to me prattling on about god knows what at this point. I guess what I am saying is that women are not the only ones who have had amazingly wonderful and life changing moments the past howevermany months. My life has also been altered irrevocably in a positive way because the Twilight saga came into E's life. Which invariably lead her here to all of you and you have changed her for the better. Your impact has changed US for the better. And for that I am truly, truly grateful. Thank you for tolerating the Pantz clan in your midst. We adore you.

Glad you could take the time to sit and listen. Laters. :)

(bows and waves)

I’ll leave you with one last song that is just screaming at me, saying that it needs to live here at the end of the post.
(feel free to sing along :) )



as you all know, whenever i have a microphone in my hand, i can't help but carpe diem and share with all who can hear that i am married to the most wonderful woman in the world. thanks for the push back into blogging. i would never have done it without you...

(wait... what?.... yeah, it's recording...right now!...you really want me to read this?...honey, i think it goes without say...no, i respect you...alright, no problem...anything for you, babe...)

*paper rustling* *clears throat*

"We at The Hubtard would like to state that nothing said here in this place should reflect on or change your opinions of smartEpantz or smartEpantz related products in any way shape or form. Opinions and views expressed at The Hubtard are those of The Hubtard alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of Let's Take Some E or it's parent company SmartEpantz, Inc. Thank You."

Good move, E. Because you know I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want to. :)

Now let's get it on.

Brian Regan has stopped by to pay homage to one of our dearest!

Music to scroll by

come in, come in! so good to see you! glad you wanted to stop by. besides brian regan and eminem stopping by to show their support, i don't have much for you tonight. this is more just a meet and greet so we can get to know each other a little bit better. like i've said before, i like things to be like a party when i fascilitate so i hope you aren't afraid to have fun and be really creative! the adventures are limitless when your only boundary is your imagination. for example, i love to bring snacks. don't know why, i just think it's a fun and silly thing to do. so it will not be unusual for me to bring something to eat or drink. and, as always, feel free to bring something yourself to share. the great thing here is that there's always enough for everyone, you can have whatever you want and as much as you want.

for example, if you will all look to your left you will see the spread i have conjured for today's open house. there's some spinach artichoke dip, hand dipped dark chocolate covered potato chips (the salty sweet crunch is awesome), peanut butter & chocolate chips, mini egg rolls, a smoked gouda cheeseball with sourdough bagel bites, and of course the essential Dorito's and cottage cheese. help yourselves, please use napkins and coasters. someone want to go get some really good wine? I only brought some Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Jose Cuervo to make 3 Wisemen. So if paint thinner in a low ball isn’t your thing you might want to BYOB.

I would like to give a shout to The Hubtard Street Team. 3 Ladies without whom very little of this would have been possible. First we have the Crazy Hubtard Cheerleader: Musing Bella!!! MB, one of the highlights of my bloggy resurrection was watching you kick open the door at Twitter and run through the halls screaming to trend The Hubtard for a good solid hour. Pretty sure more than a few people thought you were a nutter, but true to your word you grabbed the ball and ran with it and I am grateful. AND you got some sweet perks at the same time. Good Times. (Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em…) If you’ve never taken the time, she is the definition of Awesomesauce!!! Well worth the time to get on over to Cheaper Than Therapy and listen to the ramblings of a crazy woman who loves the jesus juice good friend.

Of course let’s not forget the irrepressible smartEpantz. Her invaluable input this whole time for post and comment approval has been tremendously appreciated. She has been linked already in this post, so if you want to reach out and touch the wife, first offer up about $50 because touches ain’t free, then head over to her site and check her out. (Which, of course, will cost about another $10 for the check out. That’s right…Make that money, girl!!!)

And lastly, we have one half of the demented brains that keep us in stitches at TwiSoup. Epic doesn’t begin to describe the magic that happens when the Soup girls start barfing up their own brand of chowder chunky goodness for our enjoyment. (Currently waiting on the thrilling conclusion to their TwiBusters Wolf Stick experiment. You would think they’d have it done by now… but apparently you just can’t rush EPIC.) Stoney G Pumpkin!!!! I also thank her for taking time out for a stranger. To reach out and validate someone who was desperately in need. The effect has been nothing short of life-revolutionizing. The kind of love you showed would revolutionize the world if only more people would engage in life in that manner. You have my eternal thanks.

A few notes about The Hubtard:

i tend to be fairly upfront and straight forward if you haven't noticed that already. i just open my mouth and let whatever is inside flow straight out. that might be funny or it might be philosophical or it might be fucking raw and perhaps poisonous depending on the day.

and i know. i do. i'm aware. i can talk a LOT. that's what happens when you're the sweet talking son of a preacher man. so i've developed a few interchangable banners help you decide if it's even worth your time to scroll down each post. (all photos of The Hubtard used to create banners taken by smartEpantz, all banners created by Stoney G Pumpkin, painting used for Infinity by Alex Grey)

first we have the general hubtard. it is the one on display at the front door right now. this blog will typically wear this piece as i share my different musings or funny bits to brighten your day.

the infinity hubtard. this piece will alert you to my meandering musings about life, the existential nature of the universe, our role in it, and MANY questions to ponder. for example: do we as humans have more abilities than we know simply because we haven't practiced them?

the dad hubtard. this one should be fairly self-explanatory methinks.
(don't actually have this one done yet. apparently Stoney has had other shit to do.)

the raw hubtard. this was actually the genesis of the interchangeable banner idea. i wanted something to stand as a warning without having to say anything. because i think. a lot. and sometimes i get off on a negative tangent. and then i have all of this poison inside that needs a healthy outlet before i take it out on the wife, kids, or employees. blogging has always been that for me. some days, if you're deep in it too, it may be refreshing to find someone else who is struggling. or if you just like reading raw shit straight from the marrow of ones bones then you will probably enjoy these as well. ever seen the movie Strange Days? that's kind of what i want these to be like. experience pulled straight from my cerebral cortex and put, as best as possible, into words. so if you're looking for something light to brighten your day you would do well to just quietly close the door and go on your merry way. those days: enter at your own mental and emotional risk. if the planets align in the right way it just might seriously fuck up your day. or week. looking for some feedback since many of the things i have said have been "too real" for some. so i am thinking, perhaps, of making a separate blog, by invitation only, for those who would like to read them. if anything HAS been too real for you, these posts will be "too real" x 1000. I have no problem whatsoever publishing them here and allowing the banner to be it's own warning, but i also don't want to shock more delicate sensibilities (this time). input?

so that's about it. i'll just throw things out and if you dig... you dig. obviously this is not a twi-blog per say although twi does have a HUGE impact on my life so it will be a topic. i of course do reside somewhat in Twitardia. perhaps you saw me around town before my exile? the guy who was always muttering to himself with that ridiculous smile who doesn't know when to shut up?

"Ohhhh. So THAT'S where I've seen you before."

so i suppose you can just consider me that crazy guy in the shack on the outside of town who will tell you the strangest stories if you're willing to come, sit, and listen...


much love :)


the end of the beginning

i have to say that this has been wonderful. which, of course, says just how strange of a person that i am that this could be so much fun. hopefully you'll join us at midnight (american standard central time) on june 1st. This will be it for me until then. friend from out of town and E and i want to soak up as much as possible. mwah!!!!!

for me... what it's all about.

can't help it. this is one of my most favorite songs. now where's my black eyeliner?




an open letter to you. you know who you are.

since things kind of went nutty, and most people told me never to contact them again, i felt like i would be crossing a line by contacting you directly. not because you were one who said not to contact you ever again, but because you unfollowed me. so i could see where that might have been a distinction you wanted to draw but we haven't been that close before so it would have been more weird for you to say something.

having said all of that... what i really want to say is...


the whole time i was reading i was beaming from ear to ear!! way to stand up for yourself. it was a tiny step, as you said, yet a major one all the same. a first step on the path of healing. at the very least, healing for yourself.

i don't know if you were paying attention or counting, but 3 different times you said, "i probably should just tell him."

yes...     you should.

you will feel so much better from not having that weight on your chest any longer!  and you will feel better not having anything to hide anymore. especially something that brings you so much joy. you will be free.  obviously your first attempt actually went much better than what you had feared in your imagination for so long.  believe me, there is plenty of shit i am into that E couldn't care less about and vice versa. but we allow each other the freedom to pursue our own individual interests. that's a beautiful thing.

not indulging in an interest you don't want to is only fair. especially without reciprocation. now, if he indulged you everything and you indulged nothing, or vice versa, this causes problems. breeds resentment when one partner feels like they are giving everything and the other gives nothing. but for you to take it a step further and give him his freedom to continue NOT caring about your obsession (instead of nagging him to take an interest) while giving yourself the freedom to NOT give a shit about his.... PERFECT!!!! GENIUS!!!!

so, so proud. :D

hopefully it's just the first step of many for you. all the best wishes to you and the Mr. and whatever's next for you...


waking life - alex jones (sorry, TM)

sorry, TM. i was totally going to write something for you today, but we're in the home stretch on buying a house and got the calls today of several things we need to take care of. so, instead of emo boy today i get to be chore boy. which is all good with me. hopefully your man won't find this one TOO weird. but it is. :) it's what's on my heart today. another clip from one of my favorite movies Waking Life.


emo boy strikes again

we are now in the home stretch. less than 1 week from now, this blog will be... something. i don't know... honestly i just thought the whole concept of a "blog that's not a blog" is just funny. other people might not get the sense of humor, but i think it's funny. really i just wanted to use the schtick to create an "aura of mystery" to try to have a "grand opening" event. which is not something that i have ever really seen before. so i thought it would be original and fun. i've seen pimpage, but i've never seen anyone actually launch a merketing campaign for their blog before. but that's another story. i'll save that for the opening. hope to see you around for it. and as i've said, if you want to hang out ahead of time, feel free. the door is in the same state as the bar. always open.

you know, i believe it was LWE who kindly and sagely referred to me as the emo kid amongnst the bandos. very very insightful. in fact, i liked it so much, i think i've used it about 100 times in the past week. use my finger to point at my face and make a circle and say, "don't forget. emo boy over here..." :) has come in handy on more than one occasion this week.

so, in the vein of the boy who just loves to have his heart squeezed, here is another twofer of favorites. more heart tugs, so Banshee713, you're probably going to want to look away... :)

the part i wanted to share is from the beginning to 2:10. so it's not long. however, the cut is much longer. if you've got some time to kill this is actually one of my most favorite movies. this is, without a doubt, the most honest and moving prayer i have ever heard anywhere...

this song has always,from the first moment i've heard it, gripped my heart and said, "psst. that's you..." which makes sense. billy corgan is like the emo poster boy. :)


for TM. except for the uproarious laughter, should be totally SFW. i think...

and yet another song playing in my heart today...

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on


twofer playing in my heart today

one in honor of the best day of my life that i actually had yesterday.

and this is for you. you know who you are. thanks for everything.



it's Friday night. let's slam one down and crank one up. smoke 'em if you got 'em.

another comment gone awry vol. 1

thought i would hire a clown to lighten the mood :)

@Banshee713- Hey!! Great to see you! if i recall you are irish, right? and the last time i saw you i believe you were telling me that my AVI looked like...your cousin, was it? hopefully once this shit is straightened out you'l keep hanging around.

@TT- thanks. that WAS ultra-personal and i'm glad you felt safe enough to share. :)

@LWE- i puffy heart you. i want to thank you for your continued kindess to someone who is continually accusing you of stealing cookies... you are good people and E & I are glad to have made your acquaintance. (actually, the few times you speak towards us E usually say, "i love her...")

@E- you know how i feel. but in case there is any doubt, you are an incredibly sexy woman who is inetlligent, articulate, and wildly passionate. and i have no problem saying this because for me it is true. and instead of ruining any fantasies i have it increases them because you are the star of most of them. i agree with everything you have said and i believe you eloquently cut to the heart of the matter that hasn't sat right the whole time... WHAT EXACTLY HAVE I DONE?

for all the blathering that has been going on, and the obviously bunched panties, no one has actually said what this "thing" is that I have supposedly done. which is strange. you would think if they actually HAD something they would share so the group can understand why, in a rapidly short period of time, this SMALL group of women have decided to freak out and start chucking stones. but it SEEMS as if they just love holding onto this most juicy morsel of gossip they received from someone they love and believe they can trust. they make make assumptions based on the information from people not immediately involved in the situation, and then justify their assumptions on this skewed version of the truth.

funny thing is that no one, NOT EVEN ONE, has even asked me or J what our take is. and we are the 2 out of 3 who can tell you about the 1st hand experience. E can tell you EVERYTHING as well but isn't completely a 1st hander. However, since I tell her EVERYTHING she is quite aware of what's going on.

we know that only 2 people with whom this information was shared, outside of the Pantz Family Circle of Trust, during a 2.5 hours Skype session on Tuesday. Wednesday morning the "Edbrella Hit" shit hits the fan and suddenly the entire Twinonymous Group(it would seem) is up in arms and making threats and statements of motives when they don't even know. they know just enough to be outraged, but not enough to actually know anything worthwhile. not enough to actually have an opinion or picture of the truth, but just enough to come in here and show the true content of their characters. i know i am not the only one here who would say - WTF?

not talking about us? how about you release the transcripts from yesterday's Twinonymous group? make them a matter of public record for all to see what you talk about? Not calling you out, but i find it interesting that yesterday you kicked both E and I out before talking to us about anything. If you are innocent, those records will exonorate you. Would seem to be an important piece of evidence if you're willing to share it.

what's worse is that your informant doesn't actually have any genuine information because she was not privy to those moments. in truth, all she knows is that the emotional support she used to carry around in her pocket is no longer sitting and waiting at her beck and call whenever she would like it to be.

that's it.

that's not calling anyone out, that's a statement of fact.

THIS however is an assumption: (i'm willing to acknowledge when i'm doing that. makes the conversation more profitable.) but i don't think she actually thought out the ramifications of her previous actions and how relaying to an emotionally damaged woman who was reaching out for support, "if you ever love another i will be gone in a heartbeat" put that woman into another emotional prison similar to the one she was already trapped in. and that she became doubly trapped and needed double release.

instead of being happy for this woman the informant(s) are now in a full on rage.

do you people think that E and I don't talk? do you think that we hide things from one another? if that is your concept or if that is your experience of marriage, then understand this. E and I are ONE. WE. SHARE. EVERYTHING.

and as for me being able to "control" or "limit" or ""sabotage" anything of hers... you do not know me or E very well at all. see that huge fucking comment up there? i didn't want her to leave it. but she was fucking fired up and didn't give a shit and said, "this is YOUR blog... i'm sayin' shit..." see?

did you know that I am the one who is censored here? I am the one who has to ask permission? this is the freedom and control i WILLINGLY GAVE her before we started this. hear this and hear this well...


perhaps you weren't aware. now you are. i love and respect her and the connections and the joy she has found here enough to try to preserve those connections for her at all costs.

apparently "you" do not feel the same...

and another thing you may not know: i have only had sex with 3 different women in my enrtie life of 35 years. 2 of these were one time apiece when i was 16 and 18 years old. respectively. that's it. i don't cheat or get strange sexual perverted thrills off of this. are there times when i'm titillated here? yes. but who of you has never been titillated in this place? it helps to remind us we're alive. it is the fantasy that you so desperately tell me you're trying to protect. well, in fact, the REALITY is YOU are the ones bringing RL into it thinking i'm some sort of sicko and sucking the fun out of this. THAT INTERVIEW WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS UNTIL YOU RUINED IT! From being willing to rib STY and call her a "bitch"(you know i kid,right? :)) since most other people are to "star struck" to engage her or play around a little, to being a smart ass to MB, to engaging a "fantasy" where i am able to glean some of Rob and Taylor's "fire" for a night, to a genuine heartfelt answer to jelly who gave E and i a good idea that would actually benefit our conflict resolution skills, to a 3 part group of questions of idea, hilarity, and smexiness that i thought would be hot as hell(thanks for the confirmation on this, Jayla. glad you liked it... i'm getting better) all rolled into one.

but you just had to go and fucking ruin it...

i have said several times around here that i don't even cheat on E in my dreams and it's true. i don't. i wake up kicking myself, but even when dreaming and there would be no consequences, my subconcious mind still tells the women who offer, "i'm sorry. i'm married."

@S- how do you suppose these people would feel if they knew how you talked about THEM behind THEIR backs? do you think they would have your back as solidly as they do now?

but i think that would be dirty. i will do for you what you did not do for me. give you a chance to come clean and tell your story.

what? why are you shaking? are you scared? do you not want people to know how you talk about them when they're not around? YOU know you're starting teenager drama bullshit because you're upset. i'm just surprised that a group of full grown women have been sucked down in your wake without AT LEAST HAVING THE DECENCY to come to E and I and say, "hey. we've been hearing some things. what's up?" THAT is how much they love and trust you, S. They will come in here guns ablazing without even asking questions first of people they thought they knew and loved and trusted and you have grieved them by telling them that we are not who they thought we were. and they have come to your sid because you have asked them to.

when they find out how badly you have been lying to them and manipulating them, they are going to cut you up with rusty razors. you know that, right?

if anyone has been paying attention it will be easy to see that i was being waited for. i was ambushed over at Edbrella whether you will admit it or not. Nibs came with an agenda. Jelena asked "just the right question" to get me on the topic so that i would say enough for her to jump in and go to town.

i will, however, be honest and say i have no proof of this whatsoever, but it sure SEEMED like it, didn't it? am i the only one who feels like i just escaped a failed attempt at a classic mob hit? "If you're part of a crew, nobody ever tells you that they're going to kill you, doesn't happen that way. There weren't any arguments or curses like in the movies. See, your murderers come with smiles, they come as your friends, the people who've cared for you all of your life. And they always seem to come at a time that you're at your weakest and most in need of their help."

if you don't want to hang because i like to talk about RL then cool. JUST SAY SO. i have left your house. i respected your wishes and even apologized. i walked away. YOU followed ME here in order to fling more stones.

again, without ever letting me know just what it is that i have done, or even asking me if this thing that i am ignorant of is true.

because you are trusting in one you should not.

simple enough.

as always, my door is open to any of you and i am glad when you are here. even if it is to just holler and hate my guts. because it shows that you have a deep abiding concern for your friend. which is actually quite admirable to see the solidarity that you exhibit.

it is just undeserved in this case.

but until you actually reveal what it is that you THINK I have done...

this just becomes a useless exercise where i calmly answer and someone else rushes in to make character assasinations and use hostile words.

i wasn't "calling out S" or "airing dirty laundry" as you've put it. in fact, don't you think it better to address the issue in the forum head on than hide behind the "we don't air things publicly" shield and yet publically stone a man who has done nothing but spread kindness, generosity, love, and joy in front of the group without first offering whatever evidence you have to the group for consideration? i think this is how things should be done so the group can, as you're so fond of saying, make up their own mind and make their own choice. i am simply saying that this information needs to come out into the light. what she is whispering behind backs in secret, i will shout from the rooftops because i, unlike her, have nothing to hide.

your move...

wish you were here


in her own words

I have been away from the TwiWorld for a bit because I am smack in the middle of dealing with some very intense personal issues.
I am the person jON wrote two incredibly moving and thoughtful vigil posts for. I’m the woman in the abusive relationship who was desperately needing to get out.
jON and I started talking almost a month ago. Seems like much much longer at this point because so much has happened between that night and today. My life is completely different; for the better. I did him a big favor the first night we spoke. I helped level him out and get him right again. His mind was drowning in a bad bad place and I swooped in and pulled him out without even knowing it.
As a way to thank me he asked if he could return the favor by talking to my husband and letting him know how he wasn’t alone and that there were other men out there that had a Twilight obsessed wife. He hoped to take what he had learned and give it to me in hopes that I could use these tools to heal my own marriage.
What he didn’t know at that time was that I had been living in an escalating emotionally abusive relationship. My husband had me so brainwashed I thought it I was not good enough for love and I was worthless. On a daily basis he belittled me, and controlled me. He had full control of our bank accounts and refused to let me have any spending money. I would get in trouble for buying McDonalds for breakfast. I was having anxiety attacks whenever I would do something like lose my keys, or misplace my shoes. When the battery on my car died I burst into tears and sat in my driveway for almost an hour too afraid to go into the house to tell him that the car wasn’t working. He even threatened to kill my dog on multiple occasions…all of this in front of our 4 year old daughter. My internet usage was closely monitored and limited, and over the years he drove me away from my friends and family. Even my time spent with you ladies was a sacrifice on my part.
I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was or that there were options for me until I met jON. He opened my eyes to the fact that not only did I not deserve to be treated like that…but that I could get out if I wanted to.
This began my journey.
Yesterday it was like all of the prayers and good thoughts sent to me by you amazing ladies came true. My husband spent the evening before screaming at me and threatening me and I recorded it all on a voice recorder on my phone. This went on into the morning where collected more audio clips of him threatening me and me begging him not to yell in front of our daughter and her sweet little voice telling me, “It’s ok Mama.”
I decided that it was time. I needed out.
I left my daughter with my good friend and I went home to pack an overnight bag. As I was leaving my husband called and I told him I was going to spend the night away from home so I couldn’t think and process what I wanted. This set him off and he threatened to destroy everything I loved and to take my daughter away from me if I didn’t come back home immediately. He ordered me to pull over and he was going to come get me.
Now, me 2 weeks ago would have listened to him out of fear. Me 2 weeks ago would have pulled over, let him come get me and deal with the consequences. But this was not me 2 weeks ago.
After a frantic call to Mr. Pantz I called 911 and let them know my location. I drove to the police station and filed a report. The police officer was beyond kind and gave me a wealth of information.
This morning I went to family court and filed for an ex parte. I now have full temporary custody of my daughter, and a restraining order against my husband. He has been calling over and over and over non- stop since I left him, 106 phone calls.
106 phone calls and 100 texts.
The texts messages are almost funny. They range from anger, to threats, to pleas for forgiveness and back to threats again. I am guessing he has been served the papers because my phone has been silent now for almost an hour other than the occasional text message of encouragement from jON or Erin. Two people who stood by me and supported me and helped me find the resources I needed to leave. Two people who had no idea who I was and had no obligation to help me. They opened their arms and surrounded me with love.
I am now free because of them. How is this a bad thing? How is this creepy? How is this wrong?
It saddens me to see jON being torn apart in this manner. I understand that some of you may not agree with his thoughts or his opinions. But that is OK. That is what makes blogging so great. Fuck, that is what makes being a HUMAN so great. You can say whatever is on your mind without repercussions. You can expand your mind and your voice.
Probably the worst part about this for me, because I know J can handle himself, is that his amazing wife, whom I know all of you adore, is so upset she can barely talk to me on the phone. She is one of our own.
Some people just don’t get along. Personalities clash, communication styles are one extreme or the other. I had always thought that this was a safe place to talk and to have fun and to express myself. Now I am beginning to wonder. How fast did we welcome Mr. Pantz to the family? Open arms and smiling faces. How fast did he get ripped apart and flushed down the toilet?
This is a sad sad day in Twitardia.

on the turning away

the song in my heart for you tonight


you didn't have to create such an elaborate ruse.

you could have just said so earlier when i asked.

you know that, right?


want to know what's inside the pantz?

today over at Twi-sted Edbrella there is an interview w/me. it should be fun! there is a preliminary round of questions which I have already answered for the post. and unless plans have changed, i will be taking questions in the comments after the post for any who may have them...which is nice because i LOVE questions.

questions are what make us grow.
If you never ask... you never know.

see you there!



some mood music

Thanks for everything. Thanks for your concern for my well being. I have indeed today hit the wall. I can't speak to exactly what is going on around here because i just don't know. I just know that people seemed to be seeking me out and so I just wanted to give an open invitation to anyone who might need an outlet to begin discussing more difficult things about their RL. People need that. I DON'T think i can handle the big shit. i can't. which is why iasked for help on Saturday. (which, thank goodness for all of you and my mother. we have found a pro-bono lawyer in that county as well as having full on counsel/preparation sessions scheduled to make this a correct procedure that will run smooth and stick. So, MB, as far as that one goes, the professionals are indeed on the case. I'm just glad I could at least rally the right kind of help at just the right time. i will not apologize or be ashamed for this.

I have always known that it is strange for me being a man here, and engaging in this way. A woman in a room full of women makes a dick joke, it's hilarious. a man in a room full of women makes a dick joke and its awkward, unless they can hear the playful heart. I've found a new outlet for myself, as have all here, and it was something that brought joy. But as i spread myself, as i've said, women started coming to me to ask for help, advice... i looked at E and said, "what do I do?" she said, "what you always do. love to the best of your ability and until it drains you pouring yourself out because you don't know how to love any other way." and it's true. i don't. i learned that from my father. some people don't want an outlet or don't want love or think i'm just trying to pry or even worse... prey...

i apologize if i have given that impression. i know that this world is sorely lacking in love. and when you give someone pure sacrificial love, many refuse to believe it is real. and for good reason. how many of us have been told something was being done out of love, or had something loving done towards us only to find out it wasn't genuine and the motives sinister. it builds a wall. a wariness. so i understand. because i could be anyone. i could be some sort of monster who is only seeking to prey on the weak and trusting. and i won't respond to that. it's not worth my time. i can only hope that you, my fair readers, have somewhere along the line felt the joy, the peace, and the love with which i have been blessed. because it just gnaws at me to see so many whom i care about deeply walking around with shaded pain. it is soul numbing and a prison. i have been trapped in it myself. but now free, i only wish to see others running free in the light as well.

if that is creepy. then i am guilty. "what the hell am i doing here...i don't belong here..."

but if you have been blessed by the radical love with which i choose to share then you're welcome. i only do it so that you will be blessed.

i have now had about 40 people in the past 24 hours say i need a break, from beautiful emails of concern from some of you (how long can you keep this up?) to my team today (dude. get some sleep. we'll keep our people back from New Team Member Orientation tonight) to my mother (you're not the shepherd, you're only a guide. you can't do it all) to my wife and very dear PW (honey, please take care of yourself. or no picture tomorrow morning...)

so I will. tonight, mr. pantz is hanging up the red spandex bikini briefs and taking off the cape. metropolis will have to fend for itself for a night. but that doesn't mean i care any less. whether you fully understand the depth, or think it strange that someone is SO transparent all the time, i do love you all. get some rest yourselves tonight. tomrrow is another big day and contrary to popular belief, the world does not save itself. the world is saved by taking time out of your life to draw near to someone, even if hey're a stranger, and offer them exactly what you would want them to do for you if the tables were turned. and i would never want someone to turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to my cries.

there is a line on my heart for someone out there tonight. i don't know why, but i will do what i always do when i get the spirit nudges. i obey. so here you are, whoever you are. it's one of my favorites from When Harry Met Sally:

"...you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible..."

pantz is off. <3

knock, knock

“Come in. Everyone else is here.” The man in black motions to a circular table. You see the other two women. He offers you a seat, which you take. Once he is satisfied you are settled, he himself sits down and begins to speak.

“I have called you here tonight because something has been brought to my attention that needs to be addressed. “ *turns to A and B who are dressed in sweats and t-shirts.* “You two have been withholding information from C in an effort to ‘protect’ her. You made me feel as if she was unapproachable and that I shouldn’t make an effort to get to know her. This morning I got fed up with that and spoke with C myself. Turns out that in ‘shielding’ her from information, you have only succeeded in isolating her which has in turn created the very thing which you were trying to protect her from. This is unacceptable and I am not pleased. If we in this room are going to have any sort of anything together, no matter what we’re talking about, I refuse to be a part of it unless we can be honest, open, transparent, and trusting of one another. Maybe C will freak out when you tell her something. Part of being an adult is being given that room to freak out. She is a woman and she can handle her own shit. As a result, and in deliberation with C, we have decided that punishment is in order.”

It is at this point that A and B notice the manacles on the wall.

“Wait a minute…” says A. “What the fuck?” says B.

“SHUT UP!” roared the man in black. “Did I say you could talk?”

Both women instinctively lowered their gaze as was proper in this situation and said nothing.

“Thank you. Now, my dear C, if you would assist me?”

C stands up, wearing a trench coat. She walks over to B.

“No. Not her. Not yet. The other one.” Commanded the man in black. C obeyed.

She grabbed A roughly under the arm and lead her to the wall. Slamming A into the wall she grabbed a wrist and fit it into the restraint. Standing directly in front of A now, looking her intently in the eye, C proceeds to grab her other arm and fit into the restraint. She then proceed to do the same with each leg. The leg restraints being such that A’s legs are spread open slightly. Not painfully, but enough to keep her open. Sarah lingered with her face near A's heat. Enough to let A know she had noticed, but not enough to satiate. Satisfied with her handy work, C steps up to A’s face and stops an inch short of her mouth. She lets a small moan escape her lips as she hears A’s breath quicken. As soon as she hears A begin to echo the moan and start to whimper she backs off with an evil grin.

“Now the other.” Said the man in black.

A gleam lit in C’s eye. An insatiable hunger restrained. The evil grin came back but there were no words. She proceeded to take B despite protests of being too rough, slam her up against the wall and fit her wrists in the restraints in a similar manner to A, with the two of them close enough to touch if they could stretch out their arms. When C slid down to fit on the leg restraints the man in black spoke. “Stop. Not yet. This one is special for you. Before you fit her legs into the restraints I want you do something. This one is a truly dirty slut. I know that right now her panties are soaked. I want you to remove her pants and her panties.” C obliged slowly sliding down the fabric barriers between herself and B’s fire.

“Now I want you to take those dirty panties and shove them into her mouth so that she will learn when to speak and when not to.” Commanded the man in black.

A sardonic smile crossed C’s lips. She stood up with the soiled panties in one hand and grabbed B’s face in the other squeezing on the sides of her cheeks roughly to get her to open her mouth. C took the wettest part of the panties and slowly rubbed them down B’s now outstretched tongue. B’s breath quickened and she let out a small whimper that was quickly cut off as C forced the rest of the panties in her mouth. B quivered as she was ready to explode.

“Stop.” said the man in black. “Leave them just like they are and come stand by me in the center of the room.”

C slowly walked to take her place next to the man in black.

“Now. You two are going to be punished. But this one…” The man in black turned to C. “Disrobe.”

Again she quickly obeyed. Like peeling off a wrapper on the most wonderful gift she slide the trench coat down off of her arms and body and let it fall to the floor.

She stood there in a black corset which made her breasts look especially large and soft. She was also wearing a little black underwear skirt with suspenders and fishnet tights.... No shoes.

“As I said. For you it is time for punishment. For this one, “ said the man in black gesturing to C.

“It is time for her reward. And you two will watch.”

*wow, ummm, yeah. can't really believe i'm putting this up here. but, i figure why not? my first draft of a first attempt at anything like this... need charachter names obviously... what do you think?


and now for something completely different...

this morning i got a call from one of my shift leaders. she had an idea for a promotion she wanted to run by me. i told her that i thought it was a fucktastic idea and that i was very proud of her. i told her if she wanted to make it a reality, she would need to email me with her idea written out and i would forward it on to my boss for approval.

2 hours later i get an email from another woman who works there who is actually the one to get us the graphic design piece. i emailed her back in some sort of fuckery manner, enough to disarm her a little bit, so that when i called the store and she answered i was able to speak straight with her...

"are you still like super obsessed with twilight?" (*editor's note: we had a convo about it like 4 months ago. LOOOOONG before the shit that's going on now. i haven't talked to her since.) :)
"do you think you would like going to a group of twilight related blogs?"
"i LOVE that stuff!"
"cool. well since i have your email address i'll just send you a few links to check out."
"okay. thanks! it's weird to hear a guy talking about this stuff."
"hey, it's because i've been hangin out with these fuck awesome women that i have the courage and ability to be speaking so nautrally and engagingly with you now. hanging out with them has changed my life. you'll dig it."

(talked about it with E who had a good question about the offer. i called the store to see if she was still around, she wasn't. Got her cell number and called her at home.)

"it's jON. sorry to bug you at home. i was talking to my wife about you and the blogs. she told me i should ask you. so this will sound like a weird question, unless you totally do this, in which case it won't be weird at all. Have you read fan fiction? do you like fan fiction?"
"i LOVE fan fiction!"
"ok. then you're all good. you'll love these women. i'll get some links together and send them to you."

see what kind of fun i get to have at work? how weird would it be if YOU had the same conversation with YOUR boss at work on Monday? :)

So now I bring it to you my dear ladies. You know this fair land far better than I. What do you thinkare some of the best posts we have to offer to suck in another victim nice young lady to have tea with?

let me hear 'em ladies! copy your links in the comments and tell me why that post is awesome! I'll pick my ten favorites, post them here, and send the list to her. Sound like a fun project? i thought so. now make me proud...

vigil 2: waiting for my real life to begin

thank you laides for your extremely kind words. i am positively floored that several of you said, "if mr. pantz says you need it, we trust him." thank you. made me tear up actually. i am humbled.

i find myself in a strange situation. whether you know it or not, several of you have begun emailing me and asking me hard questions about your relationships. i would just like to say a few things about this:

1st - I DON'T MIND! I really don't. in fact, i think it is one of the reasons i am here.
2nd - i am not magic. i cannot "fix" anything. I can offer counsel and advice and even help dream up solutions if your situation is as dire as the one with our dear sister here. but again, i am not magic. if both sides are not open and willing to change i cannot force anything to happen.
3rd - you are not alone! know that if you email me that you are simply one among many who might have questions about their relationship or marriage.

the day i posted the original, thursday, was a very peculiar day for me. i felt the need to call in to work and stay on vigil for our sister. but as i sat with the laptop on my lap receiving upadates on our sister's situation from her by GChat, emails started pouring in from some of you. asking for help. pouring out your secrets. admitting your brokenness and deperation for change. your need for HELP. it was a surreal day. they just kept coming and coming. i sat and did this for about 12 hours straight. strangely enough i was realying this to our sister while chatting, and she could recognize at once the spiritual drain i was going through in pouring out like that. so as she is sitting there in her pain, she was whispering words of encouragement to me, even in the midst of her own trial, as i began siphoning pain from each of you. so that while you were helping to heal her, she was helping me to heal you. a beautiful circle.

110 emails that day. there is obviously a need and a hunger here for this service. so let me tell you again, I DON'T MIND. you can trust me. i will never divulge your secrets. however, i DO share everything with E, so know that whatever you tell me she will know as well because she can help me see things i wouldn't notice on my own. which is good because i'm actually just a human and don't have it all figured out. :) sorry to burst any bubbles...

if you need help, i will do the best i can to help you find resources. if you simply need advice, i will share my honest opinion. but since i am not magic, and i will be beginning with a conversation with you instead of your husband/BF, YOU have to be willing to change and answer some hard questions about yourself that i will ask. based on your honest soul searching response to these questions, we will be able to determine our next course of action.

if you have read this and it appeals to you, FEEL FREE to email me. (have i mentioned that i don't mind and that it is COMPLETELY ok?)


obviously if this starts getting our of control for me, i will make revision, but i see the need, i hear the cries, so how can i delay? i love you all with a pure brotherly love and only wish to see joy and healing brought into your lives...

UPDATE: plans are being set in motion. please continue to send your energy towards this situation. believe it or not, it is working. we just need some counsel. the break will be the hardest. Then there is the explosiuve reaction from the man to deal with. And that is the big X factor right now. but as i said to her last night, as i told her i was going to try to enlist several of you to help find information:

"we're on this bitch
don't worry
one of these nights you're going to hear a tap on your window
and you'll see us there like the Weasleys
in a fucking Ford Anglia with the door open
telling you and your daughter to jump in.
be ready..."

continue to think of her today...she is still trapped in this and still needs our help. thanks. much love,


Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way


an emergency post of The Hubtard System: vigil for a sister

sisters, one of our own is in trouble today. i am not going to elaborate for the sake of her embarassment and her safety. so i am posting these songs which encapsulate her experience right now. if you have time to sit and listen, please do. as the songs swirl through you and evoke emotional and spiritual response and reaction, please help me in sending some good energy her way. if you have any encouraging words for her, please leave them in the comments. she truly needs it.

i am so sorry. this is for you. if i could ride in on my horse and rescue you, you know i would do that for you. i will do my best to help "shield" you until the day you are made free.

and your joy be made complete.

you are loved, you are loved, you are loved...



you might not want to watch the video. if not, but you still enjoy the song, i've provided the lyrics for perusing while you listen. if you've never read them before, and don't really know them, it will change your perception of this song and band forever. -Mr.Pantz

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

STUPID shit, silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mum's gonna fix it all soon.
Mum's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all these gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands,
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mum please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it come down.
Come down.
Suck it down.
Flush it down.