the end of the beginning

i have to say that this has been wonderful. which, of course, says just how strange of a person that i am that this could be so much fun. hopefully you'll join us at midnight (american standard central time) on june 1st. This will be it for me until then. friend from out of town and E and i want to soak up as much as possible. mwah!!!!!

for me... what it's all about.

can't help it. this is one of my most favorite songs. now where's my black eyeliner?




an open letter to you. you know who you are.

since things kind of went nutty, and most people told me never to contact them again, i felt like i would be crossing a line by contacting you directly. not because you were one who said not to contact you ever again, but because you unfollowed me. so i could see where that might have been a distinction you wanted to draw but we haven't been that close before so it would have been more weird for you to say something.

having said all of that... what i really want to say is...


the whole time i was reading i was beaming from ear to ear!! way to stand up for yourself. it was a tiny step, as you said, yet a major one all the same. a first step on the path of healing. at the very least, healing for yourself.

i don't know if you were paying attention or counting, but 3 different times you said, "i probably should just tell him."

yes...     you should.

you will feel so much better from not having that weight on your chest any longer!  and you will feel better not having anything to hide anymore. especially something that brings you so much joy. you will be free.  obviously your first attempt actually went much better than what you had feared in your imagination for so long.  believe me, there is plenty of shit i am into that E couldn't care less about and vice versa. but we allow each other the freedom to pursue our own individual interests. that's a beautiful thing.

not indulging in an interest you don't want to is only fair. especially without reciprocation. now, if he indulged you everything and you indulged nothing, or vice versa, this causes problems. breeds resentment when one partner feels like they are giving everything and the other gives nothing. but for you to take it a step further and give him his freedom to continue NOT caring about your obsession (instead of nagging him to take an interest) while giving yourself the freedom to NOT give a shit about his.... PERFECT!!!! GENIUS!!!!

so, so proud. :D

hopefully it's just the first step of many for you. all the best wishes to you and the Mr. and whatever's next for you...


waking life - alex jones (sorry, TM)

sorry, TM. i was totally going to write something for you today, but we're in the home stretch on buying a house and got the calls today of several things we need to take care of. so, instead of emo boy today i get to be chore boy. which is all good with me. hopefully your man won't find this one TOO weird. but it is. :) it's what's on my heart today. another clip from one of my favorite movies Waking Life.


emo boy strikes again

we are now in the home stretch. less than 1 week from now, this blog will be... something. i don't know... honestly i just thought the whole concept of a "blog that's not a blog" is just funny. other people might not get the sense of humor, but i think it's funny. really i just wanted to use the schtick to create an "aura of mystery" to try to have a "grand opening" event. which is not something that i have ever really seen before. so i thought it would be original and fun. i've seen pimpage, but i've never seen anyone actually launch a merketing campaign for their blog before. but that's another story. i'll save that for the opening. hope to see you around for it. and as i've said, if you want to hang out ahead of time, feel free. the door is in the same state as the bar. always open.

you know, i believe it was LWE who kindly and sagely referred to me as the emo kid amongnst the bandos. very very insightful. in fact, i liked it so much, i think i've used it about 100 times in the past week. use my finger to point at my face and make a circle and say, "don't forget. emo boy over here..." :) has come in handy on more than one occasion this week.

so, in the vein of the boy who just loves to have his heart squeezed, here is another twofer of favorites. more heart tugs, so Banshee713, you're probably going to want to look away... :)

the part i wanted to share is from the beginning to 2:10. so it's not long. however, the cut is much longer. if you've got some time to kill this is actually one of my most favorite movies. this is, without a doubt, the most honest and moving prayer i have ever heard anywhere...

this song has always,from the first moment i've heard it, gripped my heart and said, "psst. that's you..." which makes sense. billy corgan is like the emo poster boy. :)


for TM. except for the uproarious laughter, should be totally SFW. i think...

and yet another song playing in my heart today...

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on


twofer playing in my heart today

one in honor of the best day of my life that i actually had yesterday.

and this is for you. you know who you are. thanks for everything.



it's Friday night. let's slam one down and crank one up. smoke 'em if you got 'em.

another comment gone awry vol. 1

thought i would hire a clown to lighten the mood :)

@Banshee713- Hey!! Great to see you! if i recall you are irish, right? and the last time i saw you i believe you were telling me that my AVI looked like...your cousin, was it? hopefully once this shit is straightened out you'l keep hanging around.

@TT- thanks. that WAS ultra-personal and i'm glad you felt safe enough to share. :)

@LWE- i puffy heart you. i want to thank you for your continued kindess to someone who is continually accusing you of stealing cookies... you are good people and E & I are glad to have made your acquaintance. (actually, the few times you speak towards us E usually say, "i love her...")

@E- you know how i feel. but in case there is any doubt, you are an incredibly sexy woman who is inetlligent, articulate, and wildly passionate. and i have no problem saying this because for me it is true. and instead of ruining any fantasies i have it increases them because you are the star of most of them. i agree with everything you have said and i believe you eloquently cut to the heart of the matter that hasn't sat right the whole time... WHAT EXACTLY HAVE I DONE?

for all the blathering that has been going on, and the obviously bunched panties, no one has actually said what this "thing" is that I have supposedly done. which is strange. you would think if they actually HAD something they would share so the group can understand why, in a rapidly short period of time, this SMALL group of women have decided to freak out and start chucking stones. but it SEEMS as if they just love holding onto this most juicy morsel of gossip they received from someone they love and believe they can trust. they make make assumptions based on the information from people not immediately involved in the situation, and then justify their assumptions on this skewed version of the truth.

funny thing is that no one, NOT EVEN ONE, has even asked me or J what our take is. and we are the 2 out of 3 who can tell you about the 1st hand experience. E can tell you EVERYTHING as well but isn't completely a 1st hander. However, since I tell her EVERYTHING she is quite aware of what's going on.

we know that only 2 people with whom this information was shared, outside of the Pantz Family Circle of Trust, during a 2.5 hours Skype session on Tuesday. Wednesday morning the "Edbrella Hit" shit hits the fan and suddenly the entire Twinonymous Group(it would seem) is up in arms and making threats and statements of motives when they don't even know. they know just enough to be outraged, but not enough to actually know anything worthwhile. not enough to actually have an opinion or picture of the truth, but just enough to come in here and show the true content of their characters. i know i am not the only one here who would say - WTF?

not talking about us? how about you release the transcripts from yesterday's Twinonymous group? make them a matter of public record for all to see what you talk about? Not calling you out, but i find it interesting that yesterday you kicked both E and I out before talking to us about anything. If you are innocent, those records will exonorate you. Would seem to be an important piece of evidence if you're willing to share it.

what's worse is that your informant doesn't actually have any genuine information because she was not privy to those moments. in truth, all she knows is that the emotional support she used to carry around in her pocket is no longer sitting and waiting at her beck and call whenever she would like it to be.

that's it.

that's not calling anyone out, that's a statement of fact.

THIS however is an assumption: (i'm willing to acknowledge when i'm doing that. makes the conversation more profitable.) but i don't think she actually thought out the ramifications of her previous actions and how relaying to an emotionally damaged woman who was reaching out for support, "if you ever love another i will be gone in a heartbeat" put that woman into another emotional prison similar to the one she was already trapped in. and that she became doubly trapped and needed double release.

instead of being happy for this woman the informant(s) are now in a full on rage.

do you people think that E and I don't talk? do you think that we hide things from one another? if that is your concept or if that is your experience of marriage, then understand this. E and I are ONE. WE. SHARE. EVERYTHING.

and as for me being able to "control" or "limit" or ""sabotage" anything of hers... you do not know me or E very well at all. see that huge fucking comment up there? i didn't want her to leave it. but she was fucking fired up and didn't give a shit and said, "this is YOUR blog... i'm sayin' shit..." see?

did you know that I am the one who is censored here? I am the one who has to ask permission? this is the freedom and control i WILLINGLY GAVE her before we started this. hear this and hear this well...


perhaps you weren't aware. now you are. i love and respect her and the connections and the joy she has found here enough to try to preserve those connections for her at all costs.

apparently "you" do not feel the same...

and another thing you may not know: i have only had sex with 3 different women in my enrtie life of 35 years. 2 of these were one time apiece when i was 16 and 18 years old. respectively. that's it. i don't cheat or get strange sexual perverted thrills off of this. are there times when i'm titillated here? yes. but who of you has never been titillated in this place? it helps to remind us we're alive. it is the fantasy that you so desperately tell me you're trying to protect. well, in fact, the REALITY is YOU are the ones bringing RL into it thinking i'm some sort of sicko and sucking the fun out of this. THAT INTERVIEW WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS UNTIL YOU RUINED IT! From being willing to rib STY and call her a "bitch"(you know i kid,right? :)) since most other people are to "star struck" to engage her or play around a little, to being a smart ass to MB, to engaging a "fantasy" where i am able to glean some of Rob and Taylor's "fire" for a night, to a genuine heartfelt answer to jelly who gave E and i a good idea that would actually benefit our conflict resolution skills, to a 3 part group of questions of idea, hilarity, and smexiness that i thought would be hot as hell(thanks for the confirmation on this, Jayla. glad you liked it... i'm getting better) all rolled into one.

but you just had to go and fucking ruin it...

i have said several times around here that i don't even cheat on E in my dreams and it's true. i don't. i wake up kicking myself, but even when dreaming and there would be no consequences, my subconcious mind still tells the women who offer, "i'm sorry. i'm married."

@S- how do you suppose these people would feel if they knew how you talked about THEM behind THEIR backs? do you think they would have your back as solidly as they do now?

but i think that would be dirty. i will do for you what you did not do for me. give you a chance to come clean and tell your story.

what? why are you shaking? are you scared? do you not want people to know how you talk about them when they're not around? YOU know you're starting teenager drama bullshit because you're upset. i'm just surprised that a group of full grown women have been sucked down in your wake without AT LEAST HAVING THE DECENCY to come to E and I and say, "hey. we've been hearing some things. what's up?" THAT is how much they love and trust you, S. They will come in here guns ablazing without even asking questions first of people they thought they knew and loved and trusted and you have grieved them by telling them that we are not who they thought we were. and they have come to your sid because you have asked them to.

when they find out how badly you have been lying to them and manipulating them, they are going to cut you up with rusty razors. you know that, right?

if anyone has been paying attention it will be easy to see that i was being waited for. i was ambushed over at Edbrella whether you will admit it or not. Nibs came with an agenda. Jelena asked "just the right question" to get me on the topic so that i would say enough for her to jump in and go to town.

i will, however, be honest and say i have no proof of this whatsoever, but it sure SEEMED like it, didn't it? am i the only one who feels like i just escaped a failed attempt at a classic mob hit? "If you're part of a crew, nobody ever tells you that they're going to kill you, doesn't happen that way. There weren't any arguments or curses like in the movies. See, your murderers come with smiles, they come as your friends, the people who've cared for you all of your life. And they always seem to come at a time that you're at your weakest and most in need of their help."

if you don't want to hang because i like to talk about RL then cool. JUST SAY SO. i have left your house. i respected your wishes and even apologized. i walked away. YOU followed ME here in order to fling more stones.

again, without ever letting me know just what it is that i have done, or even asking me if this thing that i am ignorant of is true.

because you are trusting in one you should not.

simple enough.

as always, my door is open to any of you and i am glad when you are here. even if it is to just holler and hate my guts. because it shows that you have a deep abiding concern for your friend. which is actually quite admirable to see the solidarity that you exhibit.

it is just undeserved in this case.

but until you actually reveal what it is that you THINK I have done...

this just becomes a useless exercise where i calmly answer and someone else rushes in to make character assasinations and use hostile words.

i wasn't "calling out S" or "airing dirty laundry" as you've put it. in fact, don't you think it better to address the issue in the forum head on than hide behind the "we don't air things publicly" shield and yet publically stone a man who has done nothing but spread kindness, generosity, love, and joy in front of the group without first offering whatever evidence you have to the group for consideration? i think this is how things should be done so the group can, as you're so fond of saying, make up their own mind and make their own choice. i am simply saying that this information needs to come out into the light. what she is whispering behind backs in secret, i will shout from the rooftops because i, unlike her, have nothing to hide.

your move...

wish you were here


in her own words

I have been away from the TwiWorld for a bit because I am smack in the middle of dealing with some very intense personal issues.
I am the person jON wrote two incredibly moving and thoughtful vigil posts for. I’m the woman in the abusive relationship who was desperately needing to get out.
jON and I started talking almost a month ago. Seems like much much longer at this point because so much has happened between that night and today. My life is completely different; for the better. I did him a big favor the first night we spoke. I helped level him out and get him right again. His mind was drowning in a bad bad place and I swooped in and pulled him out without even knowing it.
As a way to thank me he asked if he could return the favor by talking to my husband and letting him know how he wasn’t alone and that there were other men out there that had a Twilight obsessed wife. He hoped to take what he had learned and give it to me in hopes that I could use these tools to heal my own marriage.
What he didn’t know at that time was that I had been living in an escalating emotionally abusive relationship. My husband had me so brainwashed I thought it I was not good enough for love and I was worthless. On a daily basis he belittled me, and controlled me. He had full control of our bank accounts and refused to let me have any spending money. I would get in trouble for buying McDonalds for breakfast. I was having anxiety attacks whenever I would do something like lose my keys, or misplace my shoes. When the battery on my car died I burst into tears and sat in my driveway for almost an hour too afraid to go into the house to tell him that the car wasn’t working. He even threatened to kill my dog on multiple occasions…all of this in front of our 4 year old daughter. My internet usage was closely monitored and limited, and over the years he drove me away from my friends and family. Even my time spent with you ladies was a sacrifice on my part.
I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was or that there were options for me until I met jON. He opened my eyes to the fact that not only did I not deserve to be treated like that…but that I could get out if I wanted to.
This began my journey.
Yesterday it was like all of the prayers and good thoughts sent to me by you amazing ladies came true. My husband spent the evening before screaming at me and threatening me and I recorded it all on a voice recorder on my phone. This went on into the morning where collected more audio clips of him threatening me and me begging him not to yell in front of our daughter and her sweet little voice telling me, “It’s ok Mama.”
I decided that it was time. I needed out.
I left my daughter with my good friend and I went home to pack an overnight bag. As I was leaving my husband called and I told him I was going to spend the night away from home so I couldn’t think and process what I wanted. This set him off and he threatened to destroy everything I loved and to take my daughter away from me if I didn’t come back home immediately. He ordered me to pull over and he was going to come get me.
Now, me 2 weeks ago would have listened to him out of fear. Me 2 weeks ago would have pulled over, let him come get me and deal with the consequences. But this was not me 2 weeks ago.
After a frantic call to Mr. Pantz I called 911 and let them know my location. I drove to the police station and filed a report. The police officer was beyond kind and gave me a wealth of information.
This morning I went to family court and filed for an ex parte. I now have full temporary custody of my daughter, and a restraining order against my husband. He has been calling over and over and over non- stop since I left him, 106 phone calls.
106 phone calls and 100 texts.
The texts messages are almost funny. They range from anger, to threats, to pleas for forgiveness and back to threats again. I am guessing he has been served the papers because my phone has been silent now for almost an hour other than the occasional text message of encouragement from jON or Erin. Two people who stood by me and supported me and helped me find the resources I needed to leave. Two people who had no idea who I was and had no obligation to help me. They opened their arms and surrounded me with love.
I am now free because of them. How is this a bad thing? How is this creepy? How is this wrong?
It saddens me to see jON being torn apart in this manner. I understand that some of you may not agree with his thoughts or his opinions. But that is OK. That is what makes blogging so great. Fuck, that is what makes being a HUMAN so great. You can say whatever is on your mind without repercussions. You can expand your mind and your voice.
Probably the worst part about this for me, because I know J can handle himself, is that his amazing wife, whom I know all of you adore, is so upset she can barely talk to me on the phone. She is one of our own.
Some people just don’t get along. Personalities clash, communication styles are one extreme or the other. I had always thought that this was a safe place to talk and to have fun and to express myself. Now I am beginning to wonder. How fast did we welcome Mr. Pantz to the family? Open arms and smiling faces. How fast did he get ripped apart and flushed down the toilet?
This is a sad sad day in Twitardia.

on the turning away

the song in my heart for you tonight


you didn't have to create such an elaborate ruse.

you could have just said so earlier when i asked.

you know that, right?


want to know what's inside the pantz?

today over at Twi-sted Edbrella there is an interview w/me. it should be fun! there is a preliminary round of questions which I have already answered for the post. and unless plans have changed, i will be taking questions in the comments after the post for any who may have them...which is nice because i LOVE questions.

questions are what make us grow.
If you never ask... you never know.

see you there!



some mood music

Thanks for everything. Thanks for your concern for my well being. I have indeed today hit the wall. I can't speak to exactly what is going on around here because i just don't know. I just know that people seemed to be seeking me out and so I just wanted to give an open invitation to anyone who might need an outlet to begin discussing more difficult things about their RL. People need that. I DON'T think i can handle the big shit. i can't. which is why iasked for help on Saturday. (which, thank goodness for all of you and my mother. we have found a pro-bono lawyer in that county as well as having full on counsel/preparation sessions scheduled to make this a correct procedure that will run smooth and stick. So, MB, as far as that one goes, the professionals are indeed on the case. I'm just glad I could at least rally the right kind of help at just the right time. i will not apologize or be ashamed for this.

I have always known that it is strange for me being a man here, and engaging in this way. A woman in a room full of women makes a dick joke, it's hilarious. a man in a room full of women makes a dick joke and its awkward, unless they can hear the playful heart. I've found a new outlet for myself, as have all here, and it was something that brought joy. But as i spread myself, as i've said, women started coming to me to ask for help, advice... i looked at E and said, "what do I do?" she said, "what you always do. love to the best of your ability and until it drains you pouring yourself out because you don't know how to love any other way." and it's true. i don't. i learned that from my father. some people don't want an outlet or don't want love or think i'm just trying to pry or even worse... prey...

i apologize if i have given that impression. i know that this world is sorely lacking in love. and when you give someone pure sacrificial love, many refuse to believe it is real. and for good reason. how many of us have been told something was being done out of love, or had something loving done towards us only to find out it wasn't genuine and the motives sinister. it builds a wall. a wariness. so i understand. because i could be anyone. i could be some sort of monster who is only seeking to prey on the weak and trusting. and i won't respond to that. it's not worth my time. i can only hope that you, my fair readers, have somewhere along the line felt the joy, the peace, and the love with which i have been blessed. because it just gnaws at me to see so many whom i care about deeply walking around with shaded pain. it is soul numbing and a prison. i have been trapped in it myself. but now free, i only wish to see others running free in the light as well.

if that is creepy. then i am guilty. "what the hell am i doing here...i don't belong here..."

but if you have been blessed by the radical love with which i choose to share then you're welcome. i only do it so that you will be blessed.

i have now had about 40 people in the past 24 hours say i need a break, from beautiful emails of concern from some of you (how long can you keep this up?) to my team today (dude. get some sleep. we'll keep our people back from New Team Member Orientation tonight) to my mother (you're not the shepherd, you're only a guide. you can't do it all) to my wife and very dear PW (honey, please take care of yourself. or no picture tomorrow morning...)

so I will. tonight, mr. pantz is hanging up the red spandex bikini briefs and taking off the cape. metropolis will have to fend for itself for a night. but that doesn't mean i care any less. whether you fully understand the depth, or think it strange that someone is SO transparent all the time, i do love you all. get some rest yourselves tonight. tomrrow is another big day and contrary to popular belief, the world does not save itself. the world is saved by taking time out of your life to draw near to someone, even if hey're a stranger, and offer them exactly what you would want them to do for you if the tables were turned. and i would never want someone to turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to my cries.

there is a line on my heart for someone out there tonight. i don't know why, but i will do what i always do when i get the spirit nudges. i obey. so here you are, whoever you are. it's one of my favorites from When Harry Met Sally:

"...you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible..."

pantz is off. <3

knock, knock

“Come in. Everyone else is here.” The man in black motions to a circular table. You see the other two women. He offers you a seat, which you take. Once he is satisfied you are settled, he himself sits down and begins to speak.

“I have called you here tonight because something has been brought to my attention that needs to be addressed. “ *turns to A and B who are dressed in sweats and t-shirts.* “You two have been withholding information from C in an effort to ‘protect’ her. You made me feel as if she was unapproachable and that I shouldn’t make an effort to get to know her. This morning I got fed up with that and spoke with C myself. Turns out that in ‘shielding’ her from information, you have only succeeded in isolating her which has in turn created the very thing which you were trying to protect her from. This is unacceptable and I am not pleased. If we in this room are going to have any sort of anything together, no matter what we’re talking about, I refuse to be a part of it unless we can be honest, open, transparent, and trusting of one another. Maybe C will freak out when you tell her something. Part of being an adult is being given that room to freak out. She is a woman and she can handle her own shit. As a result, and in deliberation with C, we have decided that punishment is in order.”

It is at this point that A and B notice the manacles on the wall.

“Wait a minute…” says A. “What the fuck?” says B.

“SHUT UP!” roared the man in black. “Did I say you could talk?”

Both women instinctively lowered their gaze as was proper in this situation and said nothing.

“Thank you. Now, my dear C, if you would assist me?”

C stands up, wearing a trench coat. She walks over to B.

“No. Not her. Not yet. The other one.” Commanded the man in black. C obeyed.

She grabbed A roughly under the arm and lead her to the wall. Slamming A into the wall she grabbed a wrist and fit it into the restraint. Standing directly in front of A now, looking her intently in the eye, C proceeds to grab her other arm and fit into the restraint. She then proceed to do the same with each leg. The leg restraints being such that A’s legs are spread open slightly. Not painfully, but enough to keep her open. Sarah lingered with her face near A's heat. Enough to let A know she had noticed, but not enough to satiate. Satisfied with her handy work, C steps up to A’s face and stops an inch short of her mouth. She lets a small moan escape her lips as she hears A’s breath quicken. As soon as she hears A begin to echo the moan and start to whimper she backs off with an evil grin.

“Now the other.” Said the man in black.

A gleam lit in C’s eye. An insatiable hunger restrained. The evil grin came back but there were no words. She proceeded to take B despite protests of being too rough, slam her up against the wall and fit her wrists in the restraints in a similar manner to A, with the two of them close enough to touch if they could stretch out their arms. When C slid down to fit on the leg restraints the man in black spoke. “Stop. Not yet. This one is special for you. Before you fit her legs into the restraints I want you do something. This one is a truly dirty slut. I know that right now her panties are soaked. I want you to remove her pants and her panties.” C obliged slowly sliding down the fabric barriers between herself and B’s fire.

“Now I want you to take those dirty panties and shove them into her mouth so that she will learn when to speak and when not to.” Commanded the man in black.

A sardonic smile crossed C’s lips. She stood up with the soiled panties in one hand and grabbed B’s face in the other squeezing on the sides of her cheeks roughly to get her to open her mouth. C took the wettest part of the panties and slowly rubbed them down B’s now outstretched tongue. B’s breath quickened and she let out a small whimper that was quickly cut off as C forced the rest of the panties in her mouth. B quivered as she was ready to explode.

“Stop.” said the man in black. “Leave them just like they are and come stand by me in the center of the room.”

C slowly walked to take her place next to the man in black.

“Now. You two are going to be punished. But this one…” The man in black turned to C. “Disrobe.”

Again she quickly obeyed. Like peeling off a wrapper on the most wonderful gift she slide the trench coat down off of her arms and body and let it fall to the floor.

She stood there in a black corset which made her breasts look especially large and soft. She was also wearing a little black underwear skirt with suspenders and fishnet tights.... No shoes.

“As I said. For you it is time for punishment. For this one, “ said the man in black gesturing to C.

“It is time for her reward. And you two will watch.”

*wow, ummm, yeah. can't really believe i'm putting this up here. but, i figure why not? my first draft of a first attempt at anything like this... need charachter names obviously... what do you think?


and now for something completely different...

this morning i got a call from one of my shift leaders. she had an idea for a promotion she wanted to run by me. i told her that i thought it was a fucktastic idea and that i was very proud of her. i told her if she wanted to make it a reality, she would need to email me with her idea written out and i would forward it on to my boss for approval.

2 hours later i get an email from another woman who works there who is actually the one to get us the graphic design piece. i emailed her back in some sort of fuckery manner, enough to disarm her a little bit, so that when i called the store and she answered i was able to speak straight with her...

"are you still like super obsessed with twilight?" (*editor's note: we had a convo about it like 4 months ago. LOOOOONG before the shit that's going on now. i haven't talked to her since.) :)
"do you think you would like going to a group of twilight related blogs?"
"i LOVE that stuff!"
"cool. well since i have your email address i'll just send you a few links to check out."
"okay. thanks! it's weird to hear a guy talking about this stuff."
"hey, it's because i've been hangin out with these fuck awesome women that i have the courage and ability to be speaking so nautrally and engagingly with you now. hanging out with them has changed my life. you'll dig it."

(talked about it with E who had a good question about the offer. i called the store to see if she was still around, she wasn't. Got her cell number and called her at home.)

"it's jON. sorry to bug you at home. i was talking to my wife about you and the blogs. she told me i should ask you. so this will sound like a weird question, unless you totally do this, in which case it won't be weird at all. Have you read fan fiction? do you like fan fiction?"
"i LOVE fan fiction!"
"ok. then you're all good. you'll love these women. i'll get some links together and send them to you."

see what kind of fun i get to have at work? how weird would it be if YOU had the same conversation with YOUR boss at work on Monday? :)

So now I bring it to you my dear ladies. You know this fair land far better than I. What do you thinkare some of the best posts we have to offer to suck in another victim nice young lady to have tea with?

let me hear 'em ladies! copy your links in the comments and tell me why that post is awesome! I'll pick my ten favorites, post them here, and send the list to her. Sound like a fun project? i thought so. now make me proud...

vigil 2: waiting for my real life to begin

thank you laides for your extremely kind words. i am positively floored that several of you said, "if mr. pantz says you need it, we trust him." thank you. made me tear up actually. i am humbled.

i find myself in a strange situation. whether you know it or not, several of you have begun emailing me and asking me hard questions about your relationships. i would just like to say a few things about this:

1st - I DON'T MIND! I really don't. in fact, i think it is one of the reasons i am here.
2nd - i am not magic. i cannot "fix" anything. I can offer counsel and advice and even help dream up solutions if your situation is as dire as the one with our dear sister here. but again, i am not magic. if both sides are not open and willing to change i cannot force anything to happen.
3rd - you are not alone! know that if you email me that you are simply one among many who might have questions about their relationship or marriage.

the day i posted the original, thursday, was a very peculiar day for me. i felt the need to call in to work and stay on vigil for our sister. but as i sat with the laptop on my lap receiving upadates on our sister's situation from her by GChat, emails started pouring in from some of you. asking for help. pouring out your secrets. admitting your brokenness and deperation for change. your need for HELP. it was a surreal day. they just kept coming and coming. i sat and did this for about 12 hours straight. strangely enough i was realying this to our sister while chatting, and she could recognize at once the spiritual drain i was going through in pouring out like that. so as she is sitting there in her pain, she was whispering words of encouragement to me, even in the midst of her own trial, as i began siphoning pain from each of you. so that while you were helping to heal her, she was helping me to heal you. a beautiful circle.

110 emails that day. there is obviously a need and a hunger here for this service. so let me tell you again, I DON'T MIND. you can trust me. i will never divulge your secrets. however, i DO share everything with E, so know that whatever you tell me she will know as well because she can help me see things i wouldn't notice on my own. which is good because i'm actually just a human and don't have it all figured out. :) sorry to burst any bubbles...

if you need help, i will do the best i can to help you find resources. if you simply need advice, i will share my honest opinion. but since i am not magic, and i will be beginning with a conversation with you instead of your husband/BF, YOU have to be willing to change and answer some hard questions about yourself that i will ask. based on your honest soul searching response to these questions, we will be able to determine our next course of action.

if you have read this and it appeals to you, FEEL FREE to email me. (have i mentioned that i don't mind and that it is COMPLETELY ok?)


obviously if this starts getting our of control for me, i will make revision, but i see the need, i hear the cries, so how can i delay? i love you all with a pure brotherly love and only wish to see joy and healing brought into your lives...

UPDATE: plans are being set in motion. please continue to send your energy towards this situation. believe it or not, it is working. we just need some counsel. the break will be the hardest. Then there is the explosiuve reaction from the man to deal with. And that is the big X factor right now. but as i said to her last night, as i told her i was going to try to enlist several of you to help find information:

"we're on this bitch
don't worry
one of these nights you're going to hear a tap on your window
and you'll see us there like the Weasleys
in a fucking Ford Anglia with the door open
telling you and your daughter to jump in.
be ready..."

continue to think of her today...she is still trapped in this and still needs our help. thanks. much love,


Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way


an emergency post of The Hubtard System: vigil for a sister

sisters, one of our own is in trouble today. i am not going to elaborate for the sake of her embarassment and her safety. so i am posting these songs which encapsulate her experience right now. if you have time to sit and listen, please do. as the songs swirl through you and evoke emotional and spiritual response and reaction, please help me in sending some good energy her way. if you have any encouraging words for her, please leave them in the comments. she truly needs it.

i am so sorry. this is for you. if i could ride in on my horse and rescue you, you know i would do that for you. i will do my best to help "shield" you until the day you are made free.

and your joy be made complete.

you are loved, you are loved, you are loved...



you might not want to watch the video. if not, but you still enjoy the song, i've provided the lyrics for perusing while you listen. if you've never read them before, and don't really know them, it will change your perception of this song and band forever. -Mr.Pantz

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

STUPID shit, silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mum's gonna fix it all soon.
Mum's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all these gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands,
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mum please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it come down.
Come down.
Suck it down.
Flush it down.


For MB

Do you know Musing Bella? If not, what are you waiting for! This woman is absolutely awesome sauce! I love her writing. Please take the time to check her out and thank me later. :) Here you go MB. Today's your day and I'll give you a two-fer of vids just for you! Hoping today's a great day for you!!!! Shake off that yurt! Mwah!!!

(psst. each one of those links is something different. my two favorites...)



an emergency post of The Hubtard System: WTF just happened?!

no, seriously. what the fuck just happened? anyone who was here or at Twitarded this weekend? don't get me wrong. i LOVED it. but seriously:

i almost feel like we kind of got gangraped by some sort of cosmic forces. anyone else? thoughts?


so were you even close?

and with this pic you have now met us all.

so how about a game of Hubtard Scene-It? excellent!

1. how do you pronounce Zaavan? (spell it phonetically)
2. where was the picture of Rowyn taken?
3. what color was E's shirt in the pic of her driving our car/mini-van?

first one to get all answers right will be the first to get their real button up on this non-existent blog while still under construction. if in the event you don't have one, we'll work out something else... a little quid pro quo action.

have fun! no cheating!!!! :)

@Toefunny- does this ruin your jumpsuit fantasy?

ladies of the world - happy MILF day everyone!

also make sure to check out the happy MILF day wishes over at
Let's Take Some E.


we're on a rock flying through space

note to any just joining us. not really "posting" posting right now. getting ready for that shit. check the date. june 1st, 12am, american central standard time The Hubtard will go live. in the meantime, i am simply posting things High Fidelity style "I agree that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films - these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fuckin' truth..." to help you all triangulate me a little better in your heads.

notice: nothing twilight related so far. hope that's not offensive. haven't even read the fuckers yet. but i've heard so many women rave about their "first time" that i thought i might actually read them and blog about them so you can relive your first time vicariously. don't know, though. still thinking on that one.

and just to let you in on a little secret since you're here... (i think it's hilarious that my blog "is not a blog yet." to accentuate the ridiculousness of this notion i decided i was going to post something every day that was "not a real post" until the launch date. just because it makes me giggle my ass off. how can it be "not a blog" when it updates every day and is always near the top of my blogroll? i'm turned on by being ironically weird that way. i put WAY too much thought into EVERYTHING. does it show?)

so just grab a seat. we're still waiting for everyone to get here. we've only got 24 days to go!

"so much time so little to do... strike that. reverse it. thank you."


open letter to JJ & STY: how Twitarded is saving lives

please let LKW know that i mean her no disrespect. i recognize she is now an integral (and hilarious) part of Twitarded. "like a fuckin' tripod, dude." but i want to speak more towards the impact of the choice that you made on Jan. 15th 2009. the day the world changed forever. the day you made the decision, for the very first time, to PTMFS...

bear with me for a second. when i blog, i create a mental picture of myself in a room speaking with all parties involved. i have something i wanted to communicate to you but have run into a problem. as you reported at your Bloggy Board Meeting 2.0, you have quite a backlog of emails, so i figured that was out. i thought about leaving a comment for you at Twitarded, but I'm not sure if you'd really notice it. visiting your blog in the "mental picture" realm is a lot like being at an N'SYNC concert in the 90's, a Michael Jackson concert in the 80's, a David Cassidy concert in the 70's, a Beatles concert in the 60's, or an Elvis concert in the 50's. (do i need to go back for Frank Sinatra in the 40's? anyone? anyone need the Frank Sinatra reference to drive the point home?) basically, a whole lot of screaming girls and it's way too easy to get lost in the din. :)

so i thought i would at least give a shot to an open letter because there is something i really want to share with both of you.

i want to make you aware of an impact that you have made. i have only been a resident here in what most dub Twitardia (as a nod to you, of course) for about 2 short months. in that time i have been able to observe from a step back, not actually being a Twitard myself, and watch and listen and gather information.

from what i can tell, at least within the circles that i am privy to, 90% or more of these women got their "in" at Twitarded. which is why i refer to you as the Ellis Island of Twitardia. women come looking for a new land of promise and somehow they all find you first. they arrive, are given a "new name", become acclamated for awhile, and then are shipped out into the new world ready to start a life of their own and add to the wonderful diversity of this fair land.

now while i did not get my start with Twitarded i interact with many who did. it is amazing to see how interacting with you and that Blog of yours just opens women up. it completely brings out this beautiful, funny, snarky, filthy, unapologetic, unashamed, mind-blowingly creative side to them that is hell bent on having fun and filling all those around with joy and love. it is really hard to quantify actually. if we were to strictly go by followers, it would be a safe generalization that you have touched at least 1461 lives. that's a crowd the size of 46.83% of Forks' population, btw. these women have in turn spread this spirit through their own blogs.

which is where i come in, very late to this party.

these women have accepted me with nothing but charity and generosity the likes of which i have never experienced anywhere else with any other group of people. the spirit that resides in this place is very special and it is a wonderful place to call home. you have helped these women to find their true selves and i would imagine that each and every one of them would thank you profusely for that, and probably do daily. hence the backlog of email? :)

but internal changes are hard to quantify as well. they are very subjective. then a few days ago it hit me. here is the empirical proof i have been looking for. check it.

the impact on my life of spending time in this place has completely revolutionized how i interact with people on a daily basis. the joy that i receive from being here flows down to the over 150 employees i have underneath me. as a result, their joy has increased, bringing up overall morale, which has in turn lead to increased productivity and profitability. which in turn is then helping to make their jobs more stable for themselves and their families, and also helping to create new stable jobs for others to come and partake of. if you include all of the family members, i would say that this impact directly affects over 300 people who have no ties to Twitardia whatsoever.

here's an example of a communication that i sent out to my team just this past Monday, word for word:

"I don’t have much else to say! After a night like last night I just want you all to sit and bask in the glow of the number sheet and feel good about a job well done. :)"

how would you love to get something like this from your boss? how would it help to motivate you in a more positive way?

this impact is not limited to my area however. as a result of how well my area has been doing, the rest of the market has begun to step up as well replicating the same results. this means that now you are looking at impacting 1500 people (employees and families).

the following day, we had a meeting with all of the DMs and our Market Director. Things have been going so well over the past few weeks, AS A DIRECT RESULT OF THE IMPACT YOU HAVE MADE, that it was the shortest meeting on record. it only lasted 15 minutes and all he had to say was , "great job! keep it up!"

with those 1500 people added to the 1461 followers you have, it is 94.9% of the population of Forks. you my dear ladies have impacted enough people to almost fill Forks. and you've done it all with smut and sarcasm. :)

i share this only because i know that if it was me, and something i was doing for fun was impacting people i've never met in such a HUGE and positive way, and i had no idea, i would want someone to let me know. so here you are.

next time you start to feel guilty about the time you spend doing this, or wonder if it's worthwhile, please remind yourself about this story. remind yourself that what you do, helping women to unleash their inner creativity and being, is ACTUALLY IMPORTANT AND IS HELPING TO HEAL NOT ONLY A PART OF OUR NATION BUT OTHER LIVES ACROSS THE GLOBE!!!!

and the next time someone IRL wants to give you shit about what you do, or make you feel guilty about it, or tell you that it's a waste of time, tell them to take this story, roll it up tight, and then cram it up their ass with no lube! WOOOOT!!!!!

on behalf of ALL residents of Twitardia (not to be presumptuous, but i feel pretty safe with this one) I would like to say Thank You. Thank you for what you have done and continue to do without even trying!!!! Mwah!!!!
(don't worry JJ. still no tongue in that one...
"calm down, i just met you.")

much love,



fuckin' hot, right?

This is my most favourite picture of E.

@TT- I just wanted to have that air of mystery until it was eventually revealed. I figured you ladies would piece it together soon enough. :) Yes. This is my heart, my dearest, my Precious. E.