the sexiest thing a Twitard has ever said to me

"I would totally skip Eclipse to be with you."


Grab My Button

essential music to scroll by. headphones are also a must...

It started the first time I saw this. It awoke something in me that I hadn't taken the time to realize was there. You see, I'm an artist. Through and through, balls to bones. So on one side I can look at this and say, "Wow, that's really cool. Nice graphic." (Seriously, Stone. Great work.) But on the other side, the artist in me sees something else... I see Rob completely filling the E.

It one single instant it stopped me dead in my tracks, took the breath from my lungs, and made my heart feel as if it had been doused with a gallon of ice water. Because for me, when I see the E, I don't see a letter. I see my wife. And I see another man completely consuming every nook and cranny of her inner being. Try as I might I see nothing else.

I guess up until that point I never realized the depth of it. I didn't realize just HOW consumed she was. She never let on. All at once I was overwhelmed with so many negative emotions (jealousy, sadness, rage, agony) that I just went fucking numb. It happened in a millisecond. I think that's why the extreme icy sensation inside. My heart had gone into shock at the realization. But unfortunately, my conscious mind didn't actually realize it at the time, so there was no resolution. Just the fucking numb. It took me about 3 or 4 days and multiple snarky comments and discussions later to shake that off and get back to feeling normal. But then, two days later, E showed me a draft of her guest post for Robmusement* and I felt the same thing again, only this time magnified. I honestly felt like I died inside in that moment.

I tried to not speak. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to let it show. I didn't want to be that vulnerable. The last thing I ever want is to cause E pain and I didn't want her to be upset by knowing how upset that I was. I wanted to just stand up, walk outside, smoke a cigarette, calm down a little, and go to bed. But things didn't work out that way. In fact, I was derailed about 4 seconds after I made that plan.

"Oh, great. Now you're upset." Apparently, my face showed more than I wanted it to. "I should have never shown you..."

"Never shown me?" my inside voice cried. "How could not show me this? How could you have something like this inside of you for so long and not share it with me?"

On the outside I said nothing. For a moment.

Then the arguing started. Me trying to convey my heart and grief, her trying to make rationalizations and excuses for why she was gving the best of her new-found self to another man: heart, mind, soul, and if she could, body. Neither of us making any real connection or change in the other. But, at that point, neither was willing to change. So it was wasted words and ache.

The next morning the feeling had not passed. I still had the cold void consuming my world. I started to get angry the more I thought about it. A massive rage was building inside of me. I felt like it was going to explode. The jealousy overtook me. I decided to do something reckless and stupid.

That night E had a bacherlorette party. So once I got the kids in bed, I sat down with the laptop and opened her email. I'm not proud, but that doesn't make it any less true. I didn't read the personal ones, I would never do that. I simply followed her comments on blogs. I figured that all of these things were a matter of public record and gmail simply compiled them all for me saving me a job that would literally take days. Looking on her page and others to see how she talks about Rob when I'm not around.

Yeah. It only got worse.

I reached a point after about 45 minutes of this that I just had to stop and weep. I actually begin to let myself feel what I was feeling. Suddenly the mental me flew into a rage. I ran through the living room tearing the fucker up. And I mean up. Entertainment center, TV, every piece of furiture, every piece of glass, every page in every book... I didn't stop until the room was a complete shambles. As I stood there panting, bruised, cut, and bleeding, I noticed that it wasn't enough. It didn't help. The feeling didn't go away. It was then I realized I wasn't angry. The anger was simply a defense. A cover up for what was going on. The Truth: I was insanely jealous and I felt betrayed and unloved.

The scene in my mind morphed as soon as I had this realization. Once it was uncovered I could finally see it. I could finally see the gaping wound that had been torn in my heart. In all of my years,and for all of my suffering I had endured in my life up to that point, I had never hurt more. The pain was so intense that once I embraced it and acknowledged it a strange calm overtook me. It hurt too much. I couldn't do anything else.

I closed my eyes and had a vision.

The mental me just stood there. The wound was so great there were no sobs. But there was a steady stream of tears free flowing from my eyes. I stood like that for about five minutes. Silently engulfed in the agony and feeling the constant flow of hot wetness down my cheeks. Suddenly, in my mind, E was next to me. I was so open, so wounded, so raw I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't be able to bear it. Thankfully, she didn't speak. I wouldn't have been able to bear that either. She just waited for me to speak. In order for me to do so, I had to close my eyes. I was about to be so vulnerable to her so I knew I would never make it if I did not.

"Please," I said, barely above a whisper. "Please, if you've ever loved me, if anything I have ever done for you has ever meant anything to you, please... don't speak. Not yet. I just need you to listen... I'm not angry. I just... hurt. I feel so small. I feel like a fool. All this time I just thought that you found him really attractive. Like eye candy. I never knew that you loved him. I never realized the place you have given him in your heart. And I just can't bear that thought. Not when I feel like I don't get equal intensity, time, and priority in return. I feel like you give him more of yourself than you give to me. I've been waiting for this change, this metamorphosis, for so long... and you don't even save the best for me? You go around and say these things in a public forum in front of other women who don't even know me and tell them that Rob is your... King? You call him... you call him... Master?

Who is this guy? What has he done to earn this place in your life?

Where was Rob when you were living at your Grandmother's house being verbally and emotionally abused? Did he move in to help shield you until he could get enough money together to get both of you out of there? When that asshole drug-dealer-biker threw you down the stairs and you tore your ACL, did Rob completely abandon his post at work, consequences be damned, and rush to be by your side when you needed him? Did he wait on you hand and foot after your knee got reconstructed while you were bed ridden and healing? Where was he when the nurse woke you up at 3am and told you your baby had stopped breathing in the nursery? Did he hold you as you cried and shook, torn with he agony of not being able to see your baby, and not knowing if he was still alive? Did Rob quit his job and take a much less paying one so that he could be there to help you and your son? During those times did he ever eat only ramen, or nothing, on the days when it was necessary so at the very least you and your son would never have to go hungry? When you broke down and said you couldn't go on because caring for your son was too difficult, did Rob drop everything immediately, find someone to cover his shift, find a sitter, book you a whirlpool suite, then whisk you away on a surprise weekend getaway a mere one hour after you placed the broken, vulnerable call?

I could go on, but what's the point... you see where I'm going with this. If your answer to all of these questions is that Rob was nowhere and I was always right by your side going through it with you,THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES HE GET THE BEST OF THE NEW YOU?!?! How many times? How many times have you thought of him like that? How many pictures have you looked at? How many fantasies have you had? How many times have you involuntarily licked your lips while thinking about his? And how many times do I getequal or better billing in your mind, in your heart, in your soul, and in your body? How much time, energy, and priority do you give to him while you now have begun to withhold those things from me?

I have been waiting for you to go through this metamorphosis with me the entire 14 years we have been together. I always comforted myself by saying, 'She's just not that way. I see it lurking in there, but it has never come out so I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of her. I just need to accept her for who she is, how she is.'

But now that the side of you I always saw, although dormant... Now that the girl I truly fell in love with has come out to play, she has come out to play with another man. I can't even begin to tell you how it crushes me. Because now I have to make a choice. I can either believe I'm with a woman who really isn't that interested in me, chalk it up to my own blind optimism, and just walk away. Or I can live with the pain because at least I still get to be near you.

I can't help myself. I just need to be with you. All of the painful places I have followed you through, god help me, I still choose you. I will always choose you. Being in pain near you has always been less painful than being without you. But if now I find out that all this time it wasn't you, it really was me, and you just don't want me like that..."

I was spent. I could say no more. I had gone so deep, acknowledged and felt such pain, that I couldn't do anything else. The mental me slumped to his knees and was still. At that moment I just wanted it to end. I didn't know what I could do, but I knew that I wanted this pain to end. For the first time in my life I actually got to that point. I couldn't go on like this.

It was at that precise moment that the chat box popped up on E's G-chat. OMG!!! It's one of her girls!!!! If I say something, they'll know I've been in here! If I say nothing, they might say to E, "Hey, I tried chatting you on Saturday night but you didn't respond..." Then of course the inevitable, "I wasn't home on Saturday. Why would it have said I was online?" Eventually dots would be connected. I felt like I was caught. But in all truth I wasn't really doing anything deviant, was I?

What should I do?

(to be continued...)

*author's note: here is the link to E's Robmusement post. didn't want to interrupt the flow.



hopeless romantic seeks filthy whore

I had a hoodie with that saying on it at one point. The first time I saw it I knew that I just had to have it… I saw, in that one sentence, a perfect summation of my ideal sexual identity and fantasy. It hit me like a bolt of en-lightening. So I bought it and wore it around. People loved it; it always brought out smiles. E would always good naturedly smirk and say, “Yup. I’m his whore.” Ahhh the good ol’ days.

But quite honestly something was missing. Although my true heart’s desire was emblazoned across my chest in the form of that hoodie, it did not accurately reflect reality. We did not have that kind of a union. Though actions were certainly there from time to time, it had not fully sunk in heart deep. We were slightly disjointed and disconnected, continually replaying well rehearsed routine. Kind of like this…

not music to scroll by. stop and listen.

Then one day E sat down with a book called Twilight.

It was a Tuesday I think. I didn’t really see her again until sometime Thursday evening when she closed the back cover on Breaking Dawn and looked up at me. She had this wild look in her eye, shirt wet from drool. “More…” her eyes said.

And as I soon found out, there IS more. A lot more. Soon there was mention of other tales: Midnight Sun. The Office. The Submissive. The Dominant. The List. Inked Armor & Clipped Wings. Master of the Universe... I could go on. :) I've never read them, so I couldn’t tell you what they were about. All I know is that suddenly I’m beginning to be woken out of a sound sleep at 4am with either my cock in her mouth or her kitty on my face.

I moan gently, on the outside, to let her know I’m game.

With my inside voice however:
”YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s finally happened!!!!! My filthy whore is here!!!!!!!! I’ve been waiting so long for you!!!!

You see, for me, E going through this rapid metamorphosis is like the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. Seriously. But it is not only her who has undergone change through this. I have learned much as well. About what it takes to really please a woman. Not just Physically, but Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. To really take my role as husband, lover, and friend seriously and make it the best experience for her that I can. Because when I do, it comes back to me tenfold. (any lurking fellas, write that down...)

I’ve learned the awesome power of restraint. Not diving in quickly with the “goal of orgasm” and rushing towards it like it’s some kind of race. I’ve learned how to take time to engage her and be present with her. Play with her. I’ve learned how to just slow the fuck down, enjoy one another, make it feel good, and have fun with it! Because if it feels good, and I keep it up, eventually she'll cum all over my face. And that's nice... (whispers: psst! guys! did you know that? take notes!!!) Then repeat that process again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again...

Right about this point she's going to be a spasming puddle. So if you've actually put in the hard work and effort and put off seeking your own pleasure to get to this point, Congratulations! Because any woman to whom you've just given 7 orgasms in a row will pretty much do most anything (within pre-determined limits) with you and for you that you would ask of her at that moment.

If you've never actually beat the game and made it to the end before, it's definitely worth the practice.

Am I wrong ladies?

That is how you receive your pleasure as a man. It should be a relationship of Giving/Receiving. Not the near ubiquitous imposter of Allowing/Taking. The Physical differences are subtle, but the Emotional and Spiritual ones are monumental. Allowing/Taking creates a split and allows for disconnected selfishness. Giving/Receiving creates a symbiotic circle that goes round and round and round.

E is not the only one who has had a sexual beast awoken through all of this. I mean, now that my filthy whore is finally here she gets me so goddamn fucking hard so quick that I want to do seriously nasty things to her. Even to just stand in front of her, with my nose and mouth near the base of her neck, and just breathe and take her in fucks my shit all up. I love it. I can't get enough!!!!!!! E is my Perfect Drug. (and I mean that in a completely non-Twilight, Nine Inch Nails kind of way)

I've also learned a lot about how jealous of a person I can be. And that is much more difficult to control. Yet even this provides background for positive sexual expression if we can contain it and channel it in the proper direction. Like fucking her extra hard one night just so all the next day when I'm gone at work she'll be walking just a little sideways, smiling to herself, and remembering who the real Master of her kitty is... :)

Let me just embarrass the hell out of my woman right now and proclaim in front of everyone here just how awesome E is. She is my life-vein. She is my music throughout the day. She is the haven in which I rest. She is without a doubt one of the sexiest women alive and I love her terribly.

Well, shit. Listen to me prattling on about god knows what at this point. I guess what I am saying is that women are not the only ones who have had amazingly wonderful and life changing moments the past howevermany months. My life has also been altered irrevocably in a positive way because the Twilight saga came into E's life. Which invariably lead her here to all of you and you have changed her for the better. Your impact has changed US for the better. And for that I am truly, truly grateful. Thank you for tolerating the Pantz clan in your midst. We adore you.

Glad you could take the time to sit and listen. Laters. :)

(bows and waves)

I’ll leave you with one last song that is just screaming at me, saying that it needs to live here at the end of the post.
(feel free to sing along :) )



as you all know, whenever i have a microphone in my hand, i can't help but carpe diem and share with all who can hear that i am married to the most wonderful woman in the world. thanks for the push back into blogging. i would never have done it without you...

(wait... what?.... yeah, it's recording...right now!...you really want me to read this?...honey, i think it goes without say...no, i respect you...alright, no problem...anything for you, babe...)

*paper rustling* *clears throat*

"We at The Hubtard would like to state that nothing said here in this place should reflect on or change your opinions of smartEpantz or smartEpantz related products in any way shape or form. Opinions and views expressed at The Hubtard are those of The Hubtard alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of Let's Take Some E or it's parent company SmartEpantz, Inc. Thank You."

Good move, E. Because you know I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want to. :)

Now let's get it on.

Brian Regan has stopped by to pay homage to one of our dearest!

Music to scroll by

come in, come in! so good to see you! glad you wanted to stop by. besides brian regan and eminem stopping by to show their support, i don't have much for you tonight. this is more just a meet and greet so we can get to know each other a little bit better. like i've said before, i like things to be like a party when i fascilitate so i hope you aren't afraid to have fun and be really creative! the adventures are limitless when your only boundary is your imagination. for example, i love to bring snacks. don't know why, i just think it's a fun and silly thing to do. so it will not be unusual for me to bring something to eat or drink. and, as always, feel free to bring something yourself to share. the great thing here is that there's always enough for everyone, you can have whatever you want and as much as you want.

for example, if you will all look to your left you will see the spread i have conjured for today's open house. there's some spinach artichoke dip, hand dipped dark chocolate covered potato chips (the salty sweet crunch is awesome), peanut butter & chocolate chips, mini egg rolls, a smoked gouda cheeseball with sourdough bagel bites, and of course the essential Dorito's and cottage cheese. help yourselves, please use napkins and coasters. someone want to go get some really good wine? I only brought some Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Jose Cuervo to make 3 Wisemen. So if paint thinner in a low ball isn’t your thing you might want to BYOB.

I would like to give a shout to The Hubtard Street Team. 3 Ladies without whom very little of this would have been possible. First we have the Crazy Hubtard Cheerleader: Musing Bella!!! MB, one of the highlights of my bloggy resurrection was watching you kick open the door at Twitter and run through the halls screaming to trend The Hubtard for a good solid hour. Pretty sure more than a few people thought you were a nutter, but true to your word you grabbed the ball and ran with it and I am grateful. AND you got some sweet perks at the same time. Good Times. (Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em…) If you’ve never taken the time, she is the definition of Awesomesauce!!! Well worth the time to get on over to Cheaper Than Therapy and listen to the ramblings of a crazy woman who loves the jesus juice good friend.

Of course let’s not forget the irrepressible smartEpantz. Her invaluable input this whole time for post and comment approval has been tremendously appreciated. She has been linked already in this post, so if you want to reach out and touch the wife, first offer up about $50 because touches ain’t free, then head over to her site and check her out. (Which, of course, will cost about another $10 for the check out. That’s right…Make that money, girl!!!)

And lastly, we have one half of the demented brains that keep us in stitches at TwiSoup. Epic doesn’t begin to describe the magic that happens when the Soup girls start barfing up their own brand of chowder chunky goodness for our enjoyment. (Currently waiting on the thrilling conclusion to their TwiBusters Wolf Stick experiment. You would think they’d have it done by now… but apparently you just can’t rush EPIC.) Stoney G Pumpkin!!!! I also thank her for taking time out for a stranger. To reach out and validate someone who was desperately in need. The effect has been nothing short of life-revolutionizing. The kind of love you showed would revolutionize the world if only more people would engage in life in that manner. You have my eternal thanks.

A few notes about The Hubtard:

i tend to be fairly upfront and straight forward if you haven't noticed that already. i just open my mouth and let whatever is inside flow straight out. that might be funny or it might be philosophical or it might be fucking raw and perhaps poisonous depending on the day.

and i know. i do. i'm aware. i can talk a LOT. that's what happens when you're the sweet talking son of a preacher man. so i've developed a few interchangable banners help you decide if it's even worth your time to scroll down each post. (all photos of The Hubtard used to create banners taken by smartEpantz, all banners created by Stoney G Pumpkin, painting used for Infinity by Alex Grey)

first we have the general hubtard. it is the one on display at the front door right now. this blog will typically wear this piece as i share my different musings or funny bits to brighten your day.

the infinity hubtard. this piece will alert you to my meandering musings about life, the existential nature of the universe, our role in it, and MANY questions to ponder. for example: do we as humans have more abilities than we know simply because we haven't practiced them?

the dad hubtard. this one should be fairly self-explanatory methinks.
(don't actually have this one done yet. apparently Stoney has had other shit to do.)

the raw hubtard. this was actually the genesis of the interchangeable banner idea. i wanted something to stand as a warning without having to say anything. because i think. a lot. and sometimes i get off on a negative tangent. and then i have all of this poison inside that needs a healthy outlet before i take it out on the wife, kids, or employees. blogging has always been that for me. some days, if you're deep in it too, it may be refreshing to find someone else who is struggling. or if you just like reading raw shit straight from the marrow of ones bones then you will probably enjoy these as well. ever seen the movie Strange Days? that's kind of what i want these to be like. experience pulled straight from my cerebral cortex and put, as best as possible, into words. so if you're looking for something light to brighten your day you would do well to just quietly close the door and go on your merry way. those days: enter at your own mental and emotional risk. if the planets align in the right way it just might seriously fuck up your day. or week. looking for some feedback since many of the things i have said have been "too real" for some. so i am thinking, perhaps, of making a separate blog, by invitation only, for those who would like to read them. if anything HAS been too real for you, these posts will be "too real" x 1000. I have no problem whatsoever publishing them here and allowing the banner to be it's own warning, but i also don't want to shock more delicate sensibilities (this time). input?

so that's about it. i'll just throw things out and if you dig... you dig. obviously this is not a twi-blog per say although twi does have a HUGE impact on my life so it will be a topic. i of course do reside somewhat in Twitardia. perhaps you saw me around town before my exile? the guy who was always muttering to himself with that ridiculous smile who doesn't know when to shut up?

"Ohhhh. So THAT'S where I've seen you before."

so i suppose you can just consider me that crazy guy in the shack on the outside of town who will tell you the strangest stories if you're willing to come, sit, and listen...


much love :)