6.25.2010

Grab My Button



essential music to scroll by. headphones are also a must...





It started the first time I saw this. It awoke something in me that I hadn't taken the time to realize was there. You see, I'm an artist. Through and through, balls to bones. So on one side I can look at this and say, "Wow, that's really cool. Nice graphic." (Seriously, Stone. Great work.) But on the other side, the artist in me sees something else... I see Rob completely filling the E.

It one single instant it stopped me dead in my tracks, took the breath from my lungs, and made my heart feel as if it had been doused with a gallon of ice water. Because for me, when I see the E, I don't see a letter. I see my wife. And I see another man completely consuming every nook and cranny of her inner being. Try as I might I see nothing else.

I guess up until that point I never realized the depth of it. I didn't realize just HOW consumed she was. She never let on. All at once I was overwhelmed with so many negative emotions (jealousy, sadness, rage, agony) that I just went fucking numb. It happened in a millisecond. I think that's why the extreme icy sensation inside. My heart had gone into shock at the realization. But unfortunately, my conscious mind didn't actually realize it at the time, so there was no resolution. Just the fucking numb. It took me about 3 or 4 days and multiple snarky comments and discussions later to shake that off and get back to feeling normal. But then, two days later, E showed me a draft of her guest post for Robmusement* and I felt the same thing again, only this time magnified. I honestly felt like I died inside in that moment.

I tried to not speak. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to let it show. I didn't want to be that vulnerable. The last thing I ever want is to cause E pain and I didn't want her to be upset by knowing how upset that I was. I wanted to just stand up, walk outside, smoke a cigarette, calm down a little, and go to bed. But things didn't work out that way. In fact, I was derailed about 4 seconds after I made that plan.

"Oh, great. Now you're upset." Apparently, my face showed more than I wanted it to. "I should have never shown you..."

"Never shown me?" my inside voice cried. "How could not show me this? How could you have something like this inside of you for so long and not share it with me?"

On the outside I said nothing. For a moment.

Then the arguing started. Me trying to convey my heart and grief, her trying to make rationalizations and excuses for why she was gving the best of her new-found self to another man: heart, mind, soul, and if she could, body. Neither of us making any real connection or change in the other. But, at that point, neither was willing to change. So it was wasted words and ache.

The next morning the feeling had not passed. I still had the cold void consuming my world. I started to get angry the more I thought about it. A massive rage was building inside of me. I felt like it was going to explode. The jealousy overtook me. I decided to do something reckless and stupid.

That night E had a bacherlorette party. So once I got the kids in bed, I sat down with the laptop and opened her email. I'm not proud, but that doesn't make it any less true. I didn't read the personal ones, I would never do that. I simply followed her comments on blogs. I figured that all of these things were a matter of public record and gmail simply compiled them all for me saving me a job that would literally take days. Looking on her page and others to see how she talks about Rob when I'm not around.


Yeah. It only got worse.

I reached a point after about 45 minutes of this that I just had to stop and weep. I actually begin to let myself feel what I was feeling. Suddenly the mental me flew into a rage. I ran through the living room tearing the fucker up. And I mean up. Entertainment center, TV, every piece of furiture, every piece of glass, every page in every book... I didn't stop until the room was a complete shambles. As I stood there panting, bruised, cut, and bleeding, I noticed that it wasn't enough. It didn't help. The feeling didn't go away. It was then I realized I wasn't angry. The anger was simply a defense. A cover up for what was going on. The Truth: I was insanely jealous and I felt betrayed and unloved.

The scene in my mind morphed as soon as I had this realization. Once it was uncovered I could finally see it. I could finally see the gaping wound that had been torn in my heart. In all of my years,and for all of my suffering I had endured in my life up to that point, I had never hurt more. The pain was so intense that once I embraced it and acknowledged it a strange calm overtook me. It hurt too much. I couldn't do anything else.

I closed my eyes and had a vision.

The mental me just stood there. The wound was so great there were no sobs. But there was a steady stream of tears free flowing from my eyes. I stood like that for about five minutes. Silently engulfed in the agony and feeling the constant flow of hot wetness down my cheeks. Suddenly, in my mind, E was next to me. I was so open, so wounded, so raw I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't be able to bear it. Thankfully, she didn't speak. I wouldn't have been able to bear that either. She just waited for me to speak. In order for me to do so, I had to close my eyes. I was about to be so vulnerable to her so I knew I would never make it if I did not.

"Please," I said, barely above a whisper. "Please, if you've ever loved me, if anything I have ever done for you has ever meant anything to you, please... don't speak. Not yet. I just need you to listen... I'm not angry. I just... hurt. I feel so small. I feel like a fool. All this time I just thought that you found him really attractive. Like eye candy. I never knew that you loved him. I never realized the place you have given him in your heart. And I just can't bear that thought. Not when I feel like I don't get equal intensity, time, and priority in return. I feel like you give him more of yourself than you give to me. I've been waiting for this change, this metamorphosis, for so long... and you don't even save the best for me? You go around and say these things in a public forum in front of other women who don't even know me and tell them that Rob is your... King? You call him... you call him... Master?

Who is this guy? What has he done to earn this place in your life?

Where was Rob when you were living at your Grandmother's house being verbally and emotionally abused? Did he move in to help shield you until he could get enough money together to get both of you out of there? When that asshole drug-dealer-biker threw you down the stairs and you tore your ACL, did Rob completely abandon his post at work, consequences be damned, and rush to be by your side when you needed him? Did he wait on you hand and foot after your knee got reconstructed while you were bed ridden and healing? Where was he when the nurse woke you up at 3am and told you your baby had stopped breathing in the nursery? Did he hold you as you cried and shook, torn with he agony of not being able to see your baby, and not knowing if he was still alive? Did Rob quit his job and take a much less paying one so that he could be there to help you and your son? During those times did he ever eat only ramen, or nothing, on the days when it was necessary so at the very least you and your son would never have to go hungry? When you broke down and said you couldn't go on because caring for your son was too difficult, did Rob drop everything immediately, find someone to cover his shift, find a sitter, book you a whirlpool suite, then whisk you away on a surprise weekend getaway a mere one hour after you placed the broken, vulnerable call?

I could go on, but what's the point... you see where I'm going with this. If your answer to all of these questions is that Rob was nowhere and I was always right by your side going through it with you,THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES HE GET THE BEST OF THE NEW YOU?!?! How many times? How many times have you thought of him like that? How many pictures have you looked at? How many fantasies have you had? How many times have you involuntarily licked your lips while thinking about his? And how many times do I getequal or better billing in your mind, in your heart, in your soul, and in your body? How much time, energy, and priority do you give to him while you now have begun to withhold those things from me?

I have been waiting for you to go through this metamorphosis with me the entire 14 years we have been together. I always comforted myself by saying, 'She's just not that way. I see it lurking in there, but it has never come out so I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of her. I just need to accept her for who she is, how she is.'

But now that the side of you I always saw, although dormant... Now that the girl I truly fell in love with has come out to play, she has come out to play with another man. I can't even begin to tell you how it crushes me. Because now I have to make a choice. I can either believe I'm with a woman who really isn't that interested in me, chalk it up to my own blind optimism, and just walk away. Or I can live with the pain because at least I still get to be near you.

I can't help myself. I just need to be with you. All of the painful places I have followed you through, god help me, I still choose you. I will always choose you. Being in pain near you has always been less painful than being without you. But if now I find out that all this time it wasn't you, it really was me, and you just don't want me like that..."

I was spent. I could say no more. I had gone so deep, acknowledged and felt such pain, that I couldn't do anything else. The mental me slumped to his knees and was still. At that moment I just wanted it to end. I didn't know what I could do, but I knew that I wanted this pain to end. For the first time in my life I actually got to that point. I couldn't go on like this.

It was at that precise moment that the chat box popped up on E's G-chat. OMG!!! It's one of her girls!!!! If I say something, they'll know I've been in here! If I say nothing, they might say to E, "Hey, I tried chatting you on Saturday night but you didn't respond..." Then of course the inevitable, "I wasn't home on Saturday. Why would it have said I was online?" Eventually dots would be connected. I felt like I was caught. But in all truth I wasn't really doing anything deviant, was I?

What should I do?



(to be continued...)




*author's note: here is the link to E's Robmusement post. didn't want to interrupt the flow.

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Raw. Honest.
    I'm sure no one will really see what you are trying to say here, or the courage it took to post...but I do.
    I know where this story goes from here and although THIS is painful to read...I am glad for it. This experience, these feelings... opened doors. Doors that led to beautiful places.
    You never cease to amaze me. Maybe because I see you for who you really are (or maybe your mad brainwashing skillz are just THAT good).
    I love you and E...always will.
    Thank you for sharing a piece of you.

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  2. Baby, we have been through so much in the nearly 15 yrs we've been together. Pain and pleasure, rough and smooth. I have always admired your strength and unwavering dedication to our relationship. You never gave up on me even though I was so quick to want to throw in the towel so so so many times. This trial that you have gone through with my fixation over Rob has been heartbreaking for you, and I do feel bad for causing you pain, but it's hard to muster up regret because I know the next chapter of the story. True, I was oblivious for a bit because Twilight ated up my brains...but now mine eyes are wide fucking open and Rob is no longer who I see when I do dirty things to myself...or you.

    He's still fuckhawt though. I am only human after all...

    @Stoney ~ mr.pantz DOES have mad brainwashing skillz! He influences me to do all kinds of things that I would normally never do...such as see the good in people regardless of what they do to me, and forgive people, and stop to think about how I can make myself a better person, and how to increase my patience with people who piss me right the fuck off, and how to LOVE truly...sheeeeeeeeesh. What an assface!

    I love you both madly. Just try and stop me!!!

    xoxo
    E

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  3. Well, I feel like I'm barging into your happy home here, since no one else has commented yet, but whatever - HEY, PANTZ FAM! WHERE THE BOOZE AT??
    Ahem.
    I'm also the only one who doesn't know EXACTLY how the rest of this story goes, but it sounds like a happy ending (get yer minds out of the gutter, I don't mean it euphemistically), so I look forward to the next post to see how it continues. This part of the story was so sad and upsetting - but sometimes we have to go through that shit for things to get better, and I know all three of you know that.

    For now, happy Friday! Now go rock out with your cocks out (if you have 'em) at a fuckawesome concert this weekend. ;) Mwah!

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  4. Mr Pantz- First I want you to know I was just thinking about you yesterday. Wondering why we haven't heard from you in a while.

    It takes a huge amount of courage to be so honest. I don't know how this story ends, but hope for the best. If E is like so many of us, you are the REAL love of her heart, mind, body & soul. That would make Rob the fantasy love for when she needs to escape from the real world. Of course learning to balance the two can be a rocky road sometimes.

    My story may help some. A few weeks ago I was very depressed and at the end of my rope. Was so upset that I was wishing to be carted off to a padded room. Around that time Mr TM says he wished I'd never heard of Twilight. I was crushed. My RL is falling apart & my escape was taken away. After some tears and talks and medication, it turns out he just didn't want me to spend ALL my time on-line. Now I'm trying to find a balance between taking care of my family and the man I love while still making some time for my Twi stuff.

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  5. @ E - I know he totally brainwashed me into eating at Hooters twice...wtf? His powers are mighty. Oh...and he brainwashed me into eating cottage cheese and Doritos everyday.

    @TwiMom - This comment was amazing. Thank you for sharing. I think more Twitards are going through this exact thing and just don't want to fess up to it, or aren't aware of it yet. I think most of the husbands are hitting walls right now. Like.."ok, the Twilight obsession was kinda funny and cute for a while there...but now I would like my wife back." Good for you for working on creating balance.

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  6. Man, I am sorry that you have had to go to that place. Been there, and came through it. You can too.

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  7. Hello from Maine! First I found TwiSoup (serendipitously via an image search) and knew almost immediately that I'd found a second home. Then I was directed here and found this gut-wrenching post. You've given me a lot to think about. I admire your ability to acknowledge and experience your feelings. You rock.

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  8. @ Cullenboyz - Awesome! Thanks for stopping by. Glad you were able to see through the seemingly negative to what was being communicated. An internal struggle that was dealt with and experienced. I am sure that this is not an isolated story for hubs of Twitards which is why i felt compelled to share it. Life exploded on me with insane busyness the past month and a half so I haven't been able to finish my story yet. It does get better.

    Promise... :)

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