8.11.2010

the rest of the story.



alright. so let's sum up first, shall we?

E had gotten herself in pretty deep with Twilight and Fanfic and had become a very sexually expressive woman, much to my delight. then she became involved in blogs and Rob porn and it caused me to face my own inner demons and inadequacies. which is not fun. but always necessary if growth is going to happen.

so where were we... ah yes. so. i had just realized the depths of E's Robsession and was finding it uncomfortable so I decided to torture myself by searching out comments she had left about him. found them, was reading them and weeping. as i'm sitting there as emotionally broken and raw as i had ever been... a little box popped up.

Stoney G Pumpkin:

How's it goin'?

momentary panic punctuated by a flashing cursor. in the end i decided to engage and answered back. instead of leaving quickly, Stoney engaged and we had a good conversation. through it she validated me and made me feel as if my presence in Twitardia, which I had been questioning ever since E invited me to engage, was not only worthwhile, but also refreshing. something about our exchange that evening filled me with an amazing sense of calm, peace, healing, and renewed vigor. moments after we ended our chat my real estate agent called to say that 4 other bids had been turned in on the house we wanted and we may have a fight on our hands. "Doesn't matter," I said. "That house is OURS!" "I like the way you think!" our agent said. because when you're willing to do whatever it takes, you can accomplish anything. and i was most certainly willing to do whatever it would take to make that house ours.

I can't quite remember how the rest of the evening went. but I remember E's return the next day and how wonderful it was to be with her again felling renewed and healed and not feeling so icky any more. it was as if all of my demons had been put to rest in one moment and I was now free to not be hung up on petty shit but now free to simply love as I wish to be loved.

however there was a moment in the afternoon, which I will never forget. E was sitting there wearing her Twitarded 3/4 quarter sleeve shirt and she looked so beautiful. not just because she is beautiful, but in that moment, with her looking so beautiful and wearing that shirt I was filled with such a peaceful and wonderful sense of community and love it was almost too much to take. to have found this connection with my wife, and to feel like I had found a community of people who could take us and love us, and everything that community represented then was one of the most wonderful moments I had ever experienced. I found myself at once being so grateful not only for E and everything we had ever come through, but also for the community of bloggers that we had begun to engage together and the joy that doing so had brought into our lives. while engaged and accepted in Twitardia, something about that interchange and involvement just... helaed us.

for from that moment, we had so much fun together posting and commenting and talking about the goings on in Twitardia that it really did form a much stronger bond between us that wiped away years of baggage that couples experience and go through. i can't explain how or why that happened, but I can say that I am grateful to have had it and to have shared it with E and everyone else. my life will be forever changed in a positive way because of what transpired in a short span of time in Twitardia. and I know I'm not the only one. which is why after I had been around for a bit and saw and put together a few things from an outsider's perspective, i worte my Open Letter to JJ & STY. and of course meant every word of it. because the joy that i was experienceing, and because i was not leading a double life, i was able to freely pour out this joy that i was receiving into the world around me without fear or trepidation and it was beginning to affect the world around me in a very positive way.

things seemed fine and normal and E and I were even getting email telling us on a regular basis how glad people were that we were a part of Twitardia and how I had inspired them to do things for people and help others for no other reason than they are humans in need of help. and if we wish to live in a world where people do radical acts of love towards one another, then we need to actually be the ones to initiate that kind of activity instead of wishing things like that would happen but never engaging in them ourselves.

and for some reason, that kind of bothered people. radical acts of love, and i understand this, typically have strings attched or alterior motives behind them. becuase love is just too often not love anymore. but rather a ploy for use and abuse. but each act done and or offered by me and or E, i assure you, were genuine.

like my offer of help with a plane ticket to Forks. it was real. and you seemed excited about the thought until the rumors started circulating. i couldn't tell you where the money was coming from at the time because i just didn't know. all i knew was that i had a "burden" on my heart about it. and i know enough now, having lived long enough, that when the burdens come, they need to be explored. interestingly enough, i now sit here with enough money which came my way to be able to afford said ticket. i knew it would come around somehow. :)

the only regrets I have now, at this point, are what has happened to E. she gained so much life and joy from being a participant in Twitardia. and it has been hard to see her shunned and turned away from without so much as an explanation as to why or even a single person asking her about whatever they "heard" to see if it was indeed true. well, actually, no one has contacted any one of us to see if anything is true. of course now, that's old news, but it is still weird that people would turn on others whom they claim to love and appreciate without so much as an email or a chance to get stories straight to see if perhaps someone was either lying or misinformed or if motives were being assumed that were simply not the case. but in the end I'm sure it was easier to believe rumor and pass judgement and punish someone who did not deserve punishment of any kind than to simply ask and derive the truth. because i know you wouldn't want to find out you had been lied to. especially by someone you trusted so much. somehow it seemed easier for people to believe that we were misrepresenting ourselves. even as i was being accused of being "too real." (stupid, right?) instead, i will simply say that the people in Twitardia are not exactly who they represent themselves to be. I know I was surprised because I am always myself and wouldn't think that others weren't being themselves in full honesty. apprently that was my own naivete in not understanding the community that had "embraced" me more fully. i own that.

so there it is for those of you who wanted to know. i hope all is still well with all of you. things are going very well for us and our pod life but increasingly busy. we have begun a new blog to chronicle our experiences and how our new life has come about and how things are working and the questions we get frequently asked. interestingly enough just yesterday we were contacted by the Segment Coordinator at the Rachel Ray Show because she had found our blog and wanted to do a piece on our unique family situation! always getting thrown into the middle of things. story of my life. :) but not a bad thing.

it is what it is.

just another chapter in a long life in which people are met, friendships formed, and then life moves on. one way or another, it moves on.

if i can share anythign else, if anyone is even listening anymore, i will say this. that life is whatever you want to make it with the resources available. obstacles CAN be overcome if you are willing to dream. life can be changed in a moment if you so desire it.

so desire it. dare to dream.

much love. :)

12 comments:

  1. it's funny sometimes, how you think life is going one way, and you're totally convinced that you know how things are going to play out...and then all of a sudden life looks at you and is all like "hey! guess what? you don't know jack shit motherfucker!"

    and then you are all like "whoa...you got me again life! pretty sneaky..."

    but that aside. i don't regret my involvement in any part of this community because it has ultimately brought me to the next stage of my life. and let me tell ya folks...life is good. it's not perfect, but perfection is not what i'm seeking. happiness, joy, love, and stability. that's all i need and i'm a happy fucking camper.

    thank you for your boldness and transparency mr.pantz. i get your "realness" and love you even more for it. it's a rare quality nowadays that you can believe people when they say that they are honest and open and treat you as you want to be treated and then they actually DO THAT SHIT! but, it's really who you are. i'm a lucky bitch. and i'm glad that you didn't run away when stoney chatted you, even though she thought you were me. it's possibly the best thing that has happened to me.

    i'll live the dream with you.
    xoxo
    E

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  2. Thanks for the rest of the story. Sounds like some of us owe a big Thank You to Stoney G.

    Remember if it feels like no one is still reading this blog, it's probably because there weren't any posts for a while. If you have decided to put your effort into another blog, can we know where it is.

    Look forward to hearing more from you.

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  3. Awwww. @TwitardedMom! Thank you!

    j bomb...I love you...that is all.

    Twitardia. Seriously...major f up on this one.

    S to the GP, out.

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  4. @E - thank you for your kind words. i know that life has moved on in a good way, but i am still sorry for the pain of the moment now overcome. it was not fun to watch you be grieved over relationships lost and shattered and find out that many whom you thought you were close to were not who you thought that they were as they were willing to throw you too easily aside based on the testimony of one whom you thought you could trust. (without even talking to you) which is why you poured out your heart to them and shared what you did only to find that instead of mature women who like to have fun together, it's really more like a junior high Tiger Beat convention complete with ridiculous rumor, clique, and bad drama. THAT's what i am sorry for.

    as to the rest, i quite agree that it has been a very positive thing for us, ALL of us, and I do not regret that one bit. in this case, the juice has definitely been worth the squeeze.

    love you, babe.

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  5. @TM - thank you for your kindness as well. i am glad to have met you, and through everything you have always been kind and warm and accepting.

    i know why no one is around anymore. and that's OK. random hate mail over hearsay, misunderstanding, and flat out lies just got to be old after awhile. i have enough stuff to do. if you are genuinely interested in our new blog, which is basically a blog to answer questions about our unique family situation, i will be more than happy to email you the link as there are plenty of haters that I am simply not interested in bringing along. hope you understand... :)

    again, thank you for standing by us through all of this. you're awesome.

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  6. Yay for the rest of the story! Thanks for posting this. Maybe now I'll stop harassing you. Although it didn't take much harassment, so maybe not. ;)
    Love you guys - and tell me when I need to DVR Rachel Ray to see you!

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  7. I'm still here *waves*
    Holy crap a new post! I thought you'd given up. Thanks for sharing the rest of your story. I'll have to start checking in more often now.

    Ps. I tried man, I really did, but Bob Dylan's voice just irritates the shit outta me. Sorry. I'll take that refund you promised me now... :)

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  8. didn't follow much but glad things are well. Yeah, life is always C R A Z Y, but things turn out always (unexpectedly of course) :)

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  9. @MB - no, it didn't take too much pushing. just reminding. things fall out of my head pretty easy.

    @Banshee713 - glad you're still here. don't know how much i plan on updating this blog here or not. maybe. maybe not. sorry about the Dylan. in my mind he was one of the original punk musicians. not because of the style of music but because of his approach to it. but that's me. i've always thought of punk as an approach to music rather than a certain sound. Dylan didn't give a damn that he couldn't sing or play guitar or play harmonica very well. he just had a message to get out to the world so he did. and didn't give a damn while doing it. to me that very punk.

    give me an address and i'll give you a refund. although it might be kind of a wash for that Audioslave you made me listen to. :)

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  10. I only found Twitarded recently so I have no idea what "high school" shit happened, but your story has touched me in such a way that I sat here balling. This last year I had a radical revolution in my 10 yr old marriage that took off after I found a fandom (Adam Lambert then Twilight just a month or two later) and my hubby is pretty damn happy too.

    I'm lucky my hubby waited the last 10 years (we have a 10 year old) for "me" (i.e. the whore) to return. This last year he's been telling me he's not sure he should really trust that I'm actually back.

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  11. If everything fell apart after the plane ticket thing, and that was the burden, then that was all that you were there for. That and to break through a barrier with the wife. What new blog? Am I invited?

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Go ahead. Do it. You know you want to.